AllFreeNovel
Share Us
It was careless. It was a mistake.
Sure, I can see how that guilt might eat at someone. But I don’t think it’s enough to warrant a reaction like this, where his fear heightens the nerves standing at attention.
But do I believe my own words?
Or do I have the right to be upset at his confession?
Yes, it hurts to know that this whole thing could have been avoided had Nolan just done what he was asked to do. But I can’t blame him for something that was an honest, human mistake.
“Hey.” I gently peel his fingers from my thigh, moving his palm up to my shoulders where he snakes his hand to fit around my neck. His thumb rests on my chin, moving ever so slightly in a gentle caress. “It’s okay.” I reach up for his cheek, feeling that he is nearly trembling. The aftermath of admitting something you’ve held on to for so long.
“You didn’t kill my dad. And it was an accident,” I say, trying to reassure him that he can’t blame himself for something he didn’t mean to do.
“You’re being understanding right now?” He drops his hands from my face, and I miss his warmth immediately. The air in the car seems to get stuffy.
“I mean, yeah, Nolan. I am. I can’t blame anyone for what happened, though, it hurts like hell to know this, it really does. And I think the pain stems even more from just talking about his death at all. Because I’ve already come to terms that his death was ruled an accident; that’s what it was.” I take a deep breath. His grip loosens as I will my heart to chill its sporadic strumming against its chambers.
“I remember hearing my mom sobbing on the phone when she got the news. My dad was not suited to be up on that scaffold, they confirmed he didn’t have a helmet or a harness on.” I make sure he sees that I’m staring deep into his eyes, providing him with eye contact that promises hope and reassurance. “Which is why you were so mad at yourself when you fell,youdidn’t have a harness on, did you?” I make the connection, putting the pieces together on his anger-fit from the day in the hospital and why he kept beating himself up over something no one could have prevented.
“And it was raining. But I was more pissed because I remembered your dad’s accident and I hated that I hadn’t thought of my safety more. Travis would have never been through that accident had I just paid attention more.” I see the crestfallen expression layered on his face, the sad undertone crawling under his skin.
He’s pained by the memory, even though he never witnessed the accident, the idea that he caused my dad’s fall eats at him.
“Nolan. You might blame yourself for what you did, but it was an honest mistake, and even knowing this, I’m not mad. I’m confused and sad. But it won’t bring my dad back. And yeah, it’s crazy that the world is this small, but everything happens for a reason.” I know most people wouldn’t know how to react to news like this, or maybe they’d even entertain the idea of being mad and angry and hurt. But none of those things would fix the facts.
My dad is dead.
And none of those things are going to put Nolan’s mind at ease when it comes to something that’s been weighing on him since it happened.
I think my dad would want me to make him feel okay after all this. My dad would want to make sure that Nolan doesn’t have to continue harboring the pain of the tragedy he feels he had part of but really, it could have been anyone.
“He was my mentor. He showed me everything I know about the construction world. He was hard on me but also took it easy on me, made me believe I was a leader. I took him from you because I couldn’t do a simple task.” I see the water wave in his eyes, pooling at the edges.
“Nolan, don’t get upset. I know it seems like such a bad thing, but he was my father. He was taken from me, and I don’t blame you. I don’t think it was your fault. I just think it feels worse now because there’s a connection between him and me. But I can promise you, this doesn’t change anything.”
“How can you not hate me?” His brows turn up in a confused expression.
If I were any other girl, I might hate him. But I’m me. I know that grudges can’t be held for long because it only strains a good relationship. I learned that from my dad. I know that kicking someone while they’re down only takes you down with them, then neither of you have the means to stand. I also learned that from my dad.
I pull my hands to my lap while Nolan scrubs his hand down his face in an attempt to gain composure and take a deep breath.
“I remember my dad talking about you one day. I didn’t think about it before, but I remember it now. He came home one day, and he had just hired you on. I was only about sixteen years old, and his job didn’t interest me whatsoever, but he really wanted to talk about the ‘new guy’ he had hired. Said he was the best decision he’s ever made for the company. Complimented him on how smart, talented, motivated, and strong he was. I saw the admiration in his eyes, because he said it reminded him of himself when he was younger.” I smile, leaving just enough room in my gaze for Nolan to notice that it’s okay for mistakes to happen. Because he had also made someone’s day at some point.
“A few weeks later, he came home to tell my mom that this new hire would be the one to take over the company when he was ready to retire. Of course, it couldn’t be passed down to family because I was not old enough and look at me, do I look like I can run a construction ring?” I wave my hands over myself, which causes Nolan to let out a little chuckle. “But he found someone he could trust…and that someone was you.”
Nolan’s eyes shut for a brief moment. Seeing this older man submit to his emotions gives the butterflies in my tummy a fucking field day. The overwhelming feeling of falling too fast invades my beating heart once more and I can’t turn away from the emotion this time. I have to act on it. Because it’s unfeigned and it’s real.
“Why didn’t you go to his funeral?” I ask, suddenly realizing that I’d notice him if he did attend. But he wasn’t there.
“I hated myself. I didn’t want to show my face. The guys tried to get me to go, they told me the same thing you’re telling me now. But I couldn’t look anyone in the eyes and know that it was all my fault in the first place.”
I struggle to find words. His feelings are valid but no amount of sorrow will fix the past.
If I can forgive him, he can forgive himself.
But what’s making it easier for me, I know my dad would want him to move on from this. I know my dad wouldn’t hold it over his head and make him feel so much remorse for making a mistake.
“I don’t hate you, Nolan,” I inhale nervously, “because I love you.” I close my eyes tight, wishing the tears to stay where they are because the last thing I want to do is cry, happy or not.
