AllFreeNovel
Share Us
“How you feeling today?” I walk into the room a little further.
“Better. But not my best.”
The room goes silent.
What is there to say?
Sorry you had a heart attack because the new assistant I hired and started seeing found out that you bribed her not to tell anyone about the car accident I caused with my drunk driving because you told me you had cancer?
Yeah, let’s not.
“I’m sorry for everything,” my dad speaks quietly from the other side of the room.
That’s a start.
“I didn’t mean to cause this much turmoil in your life, really. I only wanted what was best for you, Callan.” I look over to see my dad struggling to get the words out, like it’s taking everything in of him to apologize.
“I have fought a war in my mind every single day, trying to cope with how you treated me,” I start, “I tried to build a relationship with you when I was young, wanted to look up to you. But I never felt worthy of your attention. Do you know what that felt like as a little boy?” I feel myself choke up as I admit what I’ve been holding onto for years. But if I never took the chance to tell him how I feel, I’m not sure I’d ever be able to forgive him.
Or myself.
“I do know what that feels like. My dad did the same thing to me. Pops was a real dick,” we both chuckle, remembering what an even bigger asshole my grandpa was. The angriest old man I’ve ever known.
“Doesn’t mean I needed to project that onto you and I’m sorry,” he finishes.
There’s so much unsaid that I can’t force myself to bring up. It seems pretty meaningless at a time like this. He was there for Ginny and that’s all that matters. I will move on from this. But I hate that all of this has affected the woman I love.
The woman I love.
I love her, so much. And it’s just dawned on me that I may never get to tell her. And though we’re no on the best of terms and the timing might absolutely suck, I have to tell someone.
“I do think I love her,” I tell my dad.
“Love is tricky, son. It’s messy and it hurts. But when it’s not messy and when it doesn't hurt, it’s the best feeling in the world,” he coughs before he can finish, “I loved your mom with every ounce of my being. Still do. She was always there for me, till she wasn’t. And even though she made a mistake, I still loved her. But it was never the same. The biggest heartbreak of it all was finding out that Virginia wasn’t mine.” His voice begins to break as he forces out the last sentence. He clears his throat and adjusts in his bed.
“Listen,” he begins again, “I know it’s not ideal timing, but I think you need to go to her, to Sterling. You’ll never know if you don’t try. I’d hate for you to look back wondering what could’ve been all because I was the worst parent on the planet.”
I take in my dad’s words carefully. This is the first meaningful conversation I can remember ever having with him. And though he’s stuck in a hospital bed, it’s nice.
But I don’t know how I feel taking advice from him now or ever. I do know that my heart craves Sterling right now.
“I told her I’d give her space,” I answer.
“When women say they need space, it means they want the opposite,” he replies.
“I highly doubt that’s what they mean,” I scoff. He’s clearly delusional.
“You’re probably right. But you still need to go to her. Don’t give her any more time to know what it feels like to be without you. I’m sure she needs you right now as much as you need her.” He waves his hands to the door.
I nod my head at him knowingly.
It won’t last long, this bridge building we have to do to get back some sort of semblance of a relationship, because soon his time will run out. And honestly, something like that will take more time than he’d have even if he wasn’t dying. But it means something to me now, in the moment. “Thanks, dad.”
“Now tell the nurse to get in here, I need a cigar and a sandwich.” I let out an annoyed laugh as I turn to the leave the room.
As I step into the hallway, I’m stopped dead in my tracks.
An illusion.
