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He made it sound so simple. So easy. Like the monster could be satisfied with what it was given and not demand more. But I knew better. No matter how much I fed it, it wouldn’t ever shut the hell up. It would gorge itself. No, I needed to starve it instead.
So that’s what I would do. I would give it nothing. No reason to doubt, no reason to question, no reason to hurt. Because there would be no Michael at all.
“I wouldn’t stop. If I didn’t find anything, I’d keep searching. That’s sweet of you to offer, but this isn’t about what you’re willing to put up with. Reading all your emails, analyzing every word, constantly looking for a secret phone? I don’t want thatfor me. It’s a miserable way to live.”
His eyebrows pushed together. “Eventually you’d trust me.”
He didn’t understand. Of course he didn’t. To do what he did—to find people and rescue them from impossible situations—he couldn’t be wishy washy. He didn’t have time to second guess every decision he made. He had to trust himself implicitly. That was the difference between us. He hadearnedhis self-trust. All I had ever done was let myself down at every opportunity.
“Idotrust you,” I said. “You’re a good man. I even think you’re telling the truth about Alison. But here’s the thing. My judgment is absolute shit. So it doesn’t matter if I trust you or not, because I can’t trust that I’m right to trust you.I’mthe one I can’t trust.”
“Nora, no—”
“Do you know what it’s like, to feel yourself slowly going insane? It got to the point where he would tell me he was going to the grocery store on Dalrymple Street and I would wonder if he was really going to the store on Poplar instead. I questioned everything. Even things that didn’t matter. I don’t want to go through that again.”
“You won’t. That’s not us. I’m not Grant.”
Why did everyone keep saying that? “I know you’re not Grant.”
“I don’t think you do.” He held my gaze. “So I’ll say it again. I’m not Grant.”
“I know that,” I said through clenched teeth.
“Then why are you breaking up with me?” he demanded. “Because that’s what you’re doing, isn’t it?”
“It’s not about you!” I threw my hands in the air, exasperated. “It’s about me! It’s about my complete inability to see the truth even when it’s right in front of my goddamned face! It’s because even when I’m in love with you, I have to ask myself whether I’m qualified to make that decision. Because you know what? I was also in love withhim. And that was fucked up.”
He was around the counter before I had time to process what I’d said. “You’re in love with me?”
I pressed my hands to his chest to hold him back. “It’s not enough.”
His heart drummed a hard rhythm beneath my palms.Tell me I’m wrong. Make me believe it. Make me believe in us.
We stared at each other for another breath. Another heartbeat.
“Right,” he said softly.
And stepped back.
My arms dropped to my sides.
“Go, then.” He sat down at the table, took a gulp of the coffee I had brought, and flipped open his laptop. “I have work to do.”
I hesitated, hoping.
He didn’t look up.
I went.
Chapter 27
Michael
Ihadn’tlied.Ihad a ton of work to do. Unfortunately, it wasn’t getting done, mostly because I wasn’t doing it.
The problem was the bagels. They were now sitting on the table, perfectly toasted. They would probably be delicious with some cream cheese and a bit of Brenda’s strawberry jam, but I wasn’t going to find out. The thought of eating Nora’s bagels made my stomach roil.
But I couldn’t throw them away, either. She had brought them here so we could have breakfast together. Tossing them in the garbage would be like admitting we were never going to eat breakfast together again.
