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“It’s like I said, nothing compared to what you went—”
“That’s the last time you devalue your feelings in front of me,” he snarls, his tone one of complete command.
I nod. Rachael says that’s a bad habit of mine, too. “Well, my dad was an alcoholic. My mom enabled him. He died when I was fourteen. There. Nice and simple. A classic cliché—”
“It’s a tragedy,” he snaps. “It’s horrible that you had to experience that. No child should have to go through that. I’m sorry, Molly. Really. I’m so, so sorry.”
He says it with so much empathy. This time, when the tears come, I can’t fight them. They burst out of me. He wraps his arms around me and pulls me close to him. I press my face against his chest, crying fiercely, remembering all the moments, the sick smiles Mom would sometimes aim at Dad as she brought him a beer.It makes him happy, Molly. It’s no big deal.
“Parents should keep each other on track,” he says, stroking my back with surprising gentleness. “They should always ensure that both are doing the best for the child. That’s what tears me up so much about…”
“It’s okay,” I tell him. “About Ryan.”
He leans back, swallows, and nods. “I tried to tell my ex that Ryan needed more challenges. On the weekends I had him, I noticed how spoiled and entitled he was becoming. I could’ve done more.”
“But it’s hard when you don’t have him with you every day,” I say.
“Which ismyfault,” he sighs, sitting back. “I didn’t love his mother. That’s the cold truth. Ryan wasn’t planned. I love him, but he wasn’t planned. I tried to stay with her for his sake, but eventually, it got too damn hard. She wanted me tofeel, tolove. I couldn’t fake it. I told her I just wanted to stay together for our son, and then that was it. She filed for divorce. I’d only married her because my parents weren’t married. I thought I could fix the past. I was wrong.”
You still can, I almost scream, but just because we’ve shared some personal stuff about our pasts doesn’t mean everything is miraculously fixed.
“During the divorce proceedings, I did something very stupid. I got into a street fight with these three assholes who spotted me in a bar and fancied their chances with the heavyweight champ.”
“People really do that?” I ask.
He nods. “People are stupid,but I was the idiot who let them goad me. It was easy for my ex to use that in the divorce. My traveling, too, for work… She knew I had no case. I just wish she’d listened to some of my goddamn advice. The man she married after me is a toad. Barely even a man at all. No sort of role model.”
He pauses, then lays his hand gently on my knee. There’s always a subtle undertone of desire whenever we touch, but the pressure has just as much support in it. “When you have kids, Molly, you’ll be an incredible mother. I can see how badly you want it.”
“You can?” I ask, surprised.
“I think you want to fix the past, too.”
“When I have children, they’ll never see me falling over my feet because I’m so wasted. They won’t see me enabling their dad, either. I want a man who’s a parenting teammate, you know?”
He stares at me with that familiar level of attention. I almost expect him to tell me he’s ready to start a family together now. “I know,” he says fiercely. “If I have kids again, I’m going to be upfront about what I want and need from the mother.”
“I’m going to be upfront with the father,” I say. “Then they’ll never have to be scared. That’s the worst part about being a kid and seeing all that stuff—the fear it puts in you. Even when it’s over, it’s still there, a low hum of anxiety. It’s like constantly waiting for something to go wrong.”
“I know the feeling,” he says. “I could only ever get rid of it through training. That’s an idea.” He smirks, a playful spark in his eyes as if we can forget the ugliness and complications. “What were your plans for the rest of the day?”
“Nothing, really,” I say honestly. The truth is, I’ve been moping around, thinking about him, dreaming about him, but I won’t tell him that. “Why?”
“Let me take you to the gym,” I reply.
“Won’t it be awkward if people see us?”
“The gym’s closed to the public right now,” he replies. “Anyway, I don’t give a damn what people think.”
“What about one person, then?”
He swallows and nods. Ryan is the exception. I wonder if the awkwardness will ever fade. Even if we get married and have kids, that wedge will be between us.
He was dropping some heavy hints just now. Or maybe I’m misreading this whole thing.
“Like I said, the gym’s closed to the public. It’ll just be me and you.”
No,I should say.You’re just trying to mess with my head again. Or maybe it’s about sex. Maybe this is all a pickup line. Maybe you don’t really care at all.
