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I narrowed my eyes. “Why what?”
“Why do you want to kiss me?”
Pressing my other hand to the back of her neck, I held her face where neither of us could hide. “Been wanting to for a while now.”
Her eyes pled with me. “But why?”
I was really starting to hate all these questions. “Why not?”
“Will it change anything?”
My frustration grew. “I don’t know.”
“Will it change how we are with each other? Make it awkward?”
I growled. “It shouldn’t.”
She placed her hands over mine, pulling them away from her head. “If you’re not sure, then maybe we shouldn’t.”
I pulled back a little, not sure what just happened.
She nervously played with her rings. “I don’t want anything to get awkward with us,” she said swallowing hard. “You’re my best friend in the entire world. I don’t want to lose you.”
I scowled holding her upper arms. “You’ll never lose me.”
Casting her gaze to the side, she looked uncertain. “If we do this and you hate kissing me, I’ll never be able to look at you again. I’ll be mortified.”
I pressed my eyes shut, leaning my forehead on hers. “If we never try, we’ll never know, Raven.”
Her voice shot up an octave as she leaned back. “Maybe it’s better that way. Where we’re just best friends always. We don’t have to complicate it.”
I hugged her. She wasn’t ready.
When I pulled back, I pressed my lips to her forehead. “Tell you what. Let’s just table the idea for now. You know what I want. When you’re ready to try, come find me.”
When I heard her sniffle, I released her. Her eyes glistened with tears. “You’re too important to me, Chief. I just can’t take the chance of losing you.” She grabbed her article and raced up the stairs.
Well, fuck. Back to being in the friend zone. So many expletives ran through my head, I had to get out. Snatching a sweatshirt off the rack, I threw it on and went out the French doors for a run. Cold air bit my cheeks as the wind and sleet pelted me. I was such a fool. To think she would want me. To think she would take a chance on us. It was everything I wanted and it would never happen. I pushed harder and harder until I made it about halfway around the lake. Then I bent at the waist, holding my thighs, gasping for air. It wasn’t because I was winded. That kind of sprint was nothing. I couldn’t breathe because my heart just fucking shattered. Pressing one hand to it, I tried to ease the pain, but nothing.
Her rejection gutted me.
But as much as I was hurting, I knew she was too. Thinking back to the devastation on her face and tears in her eyes, I realized how selfish I was. Worrying about myself when she needed me to be there for her. Jogging back, I mentally beat myself up for pushing her. She was making progress in how she saw herself, but I had no business taking it further. Not yet. I just hoped I hadn’t set her back.
Back inside, I felt sweat trickle down my back. I’m sure I needed a shower, but I had to check on her first. Taking two steps at a time, I yanked off my sweatshirt while I went upstairs. But instead of finding her huddled up on the sofa like I expected, she was on the phone. Functioning. Adulting.
Since I wasn’t at that level of functioning yet and seeing her act as if what just happened meant nothing, I went to shower. I was the one who wanted to curl up in bed. I was the one who was falling apart. And my best friend was busy. So, I swallowed down the hurt and bucked the fuck up.
Life would go on as it always had. Seeing her polite smile as I passed her, I couldn’t pretend this was okay. Her fears were getting in the way again. But we could be something incredible if she would just stop overthinking it.
18
PHOEBE
“He almost kissed you?” Kiley shrieked.
I pulled a throw pillow from Kiley’s sofa into my stomach, clutching it. “Ah, yeah. But I stopped him.”
Kiley sank down next to me. “Why?”
