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I feel an ache inside. That moment in the kitchen with Miranda was so nice, but it was just the start. We’re trying to get back there, and we’re making progress, but we have a long way to go still. We have had sex exactly one time since Vegas, right after we saw Maria for the first time. It was nice, but it felt more like homework than intimacy. I want to go back to when we set each other’s souls on fire. When did we lose that spark? Was it a slow fade since becoming parents, or did it die off after Vegas?
As we walk in the bright sun toward the masses of people, Miranda and Eliza lead the pack, the kids muddle around in the middle, and I take up the rear, observing them all. Sammy eyes the aquarium, wishing he could visit the animals inside.
“Don’t even think about it, Sammy,” Phoebe chastises him for daring to think about patronizing such an inhumane location.
We don’t actually know that it’s inhumane, but when Jessie hit age nine, she decided that enough zoos and aquariums were evil that she didn’t want to give money to any of them, just in case. Phoebe immediately adopted the same attitude of course. Phoebe used to idolize her big sister.
I make a mental note to sneak back here with Sammy sometime this weekend. I reach out with my hand to get his attention and give him a wink, and he rewards me with a massive smile.
Natalie clasps her hands together and hops forward five times while asking, “Can we please go to the sweet shop?” She would live on salt water taffy and ice cream all weekend if we let her. And when she looks at me with those giant blue eyes, I would totally let her.
I’m about to lose my will to say no when Miranda’s voice reaches us from her place at the beginning of our caravan, “Nope. I promise we will at least once this weekend, but not immediately.” Luckily, Miranda has the conviction I lack when it comes to denying our children anything.
“Okay, fine. Whatever.” She crosses her arms and drags her feet. Poor kid doesn’t know her mom well if she thinks pouting is going to get her anywhere.
“Wanna play minigolf?” Jessie, trying to be a good big sister, uses her sweetest voice to cheer Natalie up.
Natalie shrugs. “Maybe later. Maybe we can go on some rides first.”
“I hate to be a killjoy, but I think we need to let our lunch settle a little more before we jump on the rides, kiddos.” I’m happy to take what is sure to be an unpopular parenting decision off of Miranda for once.
“Okay then. I guess we can do minigolf now!” Natalie tries to fake enthusiasm, but she can’t hide her pouting lips and hunched shoulders as she crosses her arms over her chest. Being denied twice is tough. Her siblings at least let her pick which course she wants to take. Ever the adventurer, she chooses the high Crow’s Nest path.
The round of minigolf turns out to be relaxing and fun, although Eliza keeps getting distracted. I think she’s trying to spy on Rory and Tabby since we canalmostsee the house from the course. Miranda stays behind with her on a few holes, trying to get her to open up a little, as the rest of us move up.
When the ladies are with us, I steal glances to watch Miranda laugh with the kids in a way she hasn’t in months. Or maybe she has, but just not around me. Or, maybe she has around me, but I’ve been so wrapped up in my anger and self-loathing that I couldn’t see it.
I almost ruined everything. One could even argue Ididruin everything. Not the getting kidnapped part. I know that was out of my control; they were goddesses for fuck’s sake. But, I hesitated when it mattered. I almost stayed. They weren’t keeping me there beyond not feeling obligated to my responsibilities. As soon as I saw Miranda, as soon as she was there in front of me, I should have known our life together is not just a responsibility. She is not a responsibility. I should have run away with her, without even a moment’s hesitation.
And I know she’s been blaming herself for this mess as much as I have been blaming myself. I know she feels horrible about what happened with that demon. But, I don’t even think of it as cheating. I think of it as sexual assault. I met Lu before Miranda came out to Vegas. I know how convincing he was. Miranda was more of a victim in this than I was.
I shake my head to remove some of this useless pain. We’re here together now. We’re a team again. I’m going to buy this woman all the cotton candy she can eat and hope she doesn’t puke on me on the tilt-a-whirl. I’m going to win her a prize from skee-ball. Maybe I’ll even get to make love to her on the beach later.
As I watch, Miranda seems to move in slow motion when she laughs, her smile shining in the sunlight. Her eyes are twinkling, not only when she looks at the kids but when she looks at me too. My heart skips a beat when her eyes lock on mine and she smiles. After we hand our clubs back in at the hut, we join hands as we continue our walk down the boardwalk to the rides.
Chapter 15
Miranda
Ihadalmostforgottenhow much we love being here. We love the salty air. We love the rides (even if I’m not wholly convinced they won’t fall apart any second). We love the greasy food from carts and stands I’m not sure I would trust anywhere else. I am grateful that we can still be a happy family when we go away together for a weekend. Huh, I guess I do have something I enjoy doing outdoors. I make a mental note to update Maria when we're back.
The only one who doesn’t seem to fall back into the old rhythm is Eliza. She’s still being her ever gracious, hostess self. But something is not the same with her. She was more anxious that usual when Rory volunteered to put Tabby down for her nap. She stammered and looked back and forth between us and Tabitha as if she were being asked to make Sophie’s choice. Even though she relented and seemed to relax as we walked toward the tourist attractions, her emotional state deteriorates once we start playing minigolf.
I hang back with her on the seventh hole so I can talk to her. “You okay, Lize?”
Her lips move in her ridiculously fast way, but no sounds come out. She looks as though she is deep in conversation with herself, but silently. As we stroll to the next hole, I keep looking into her face every few steps, until she eventually notices my attention.
She jumps a little at the recognition. “Um, hi? Miranda, why are you staring at me like that?” She ends with a nervous laugh.
I smile and shake my head. “I was trying to talk to you. Is everything alright?”
“Yeah, of course!” Her tone is overly cheery, either to compensate for her strange behavior or maybe just in comparison to it.
“Eliza, you know I’ve been dealing with some weird supernatural crap lately, right? Nothing you have to tell me will make me think twice.” I tilt my head down and to the side, trying to get her to look at me, but she keeps her eyes focused low in front of her as she rolls her pink golf ball up onto the rubber mat.
“Yeah, I’m okay though. It’s just that Tabby’s going through a sleep regression, and I’m exhausted.” She flashes me a quick smile before she stares back at the ground, swings at her ball, and whiffs so much so that her ball doesn’t flinch.
“Okay, but you know you can talk to me about anything right?” I think I see a slight nod in response.
