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CHAPTER25
LEANNE
Everything was so much better now. I was caught up in all my classes and had some work done ahead. My internship was exciting, and I’d learned a lot. My favorite part was working with Melody. She was exactly the kind of gym member I wanted to train. So much of health, mental and physical, was a matter of self-talk in my experience. I’d taught her some breathing and some affirmations that worked for me. My experience, the way I’d struggled and suffered, could do some good.
It made me feel powerful and joyous that everything I’d been through could have value to help someone else. I felt proud of the work I was doing and wanted to do more of the same. I was excited about my career, my future. My dad had been doing so well at rehab that he was even impressing his doctors. He still griped about some of the junk food he missed, but he was getting stronger every day, and learning to cook some healthy recipes himself. We’d even talked about taking a cooking class at the community center, one that focused on heart healthy meals. Everything in my life was going better than I had any right to hope it would. It felt so good to go to bed tired and happy.
Working with Aaron, taking his class, seeing him at the gym and talking, joking around—I enjoyed my time with him. It should have been awkward. I should have felt shy or needy or ashamed. But not with him. With Aaron, there was a friendship, some flirting—which we were careful to keep discreet—and the undercurrent of knowledge that there was something more between us. That there was a chance of more in time. I could live with that. I could wait for that, could count on the promise of something real, something that had felt incredible and would be even better when no one had to sneak around or worry.
We hadn’t so much as kissed in the two weeks since we spent the night together. There was sexual tension between us, the subtle heat in the looks we exchanged from time to time. The fact that he did the scheduling and had managed never to put me down for a closing shift since then, clearly not risking another one-on-one walk to the parking lot that could end in a spilled glass of water and multiple orgasms.
One night at dinner, when I was trying to convince my dad that fajitas with whole grain tortillas and tofu instead of beef were just as good, my dad stopped bragging about his recovery all at once.
“What?” I asked. “You’re a star patient. Your doctors think you’re remarkable. You should tell me more about it.”
“I want to talk about you.”
“There’s nothing much to talk about. Besides the fact that I’m thrilled you’ve done so great in rehab and that you’re getting healthy. You mean the world to me, Daddy,” I said, swallowing hard, so thankful to have him back.
“I know you’re happy about that. But it’s more than your old man’s ticker working okay again. Something’s up with you and you’re not telling me about it. You’re happier and more at peace with yourself than I’ve ever seen you since you were just a little thing. So, what’s new in your life?”
“I like my internship a lot. I was so sure I wanted to do exercise physiology, of course, but landing this place at the gym and getting to learn the ropes from the ground up—it’s just made me even more sure I’m doing the right thing for me. There’s a girl I work with, one of my personal training clients, who’s recovering from bulimia. I’ve been able to help her a lot with healthy ways to view exercise as she starts out, and how to avoid the distorted thinking patterns that can cause trouble. It’s really satisfying to be able to do that.”
“I’m proud of you, turning your eating disorder into something positive that can help people. And that was a nice try, baby girl. But that’s not it. I want to know who the man is.”
“What man? There’s no man,” I lied.
He laughed, pushing away his tofu fajita. “You think I haven’t been around enough to know what it looks like when somebody’s smitten? There’s a little glow, and you’ve got that for sure. I just want to know who he is. If he’s a good guy or not. Is he in one of your classes? Or does he go to the gym?”
I tensed up, knowing the answer to that was not one that would put his mind at ease.
“It’s nothing, really.”
“That look, those roses in your cheeks aren’t nothing. You just look like you’re blooming, like every little thing makes you so happy you can’t hardly stand it. I just want to share in that, know who he is. Who I have to thank for making my little girl so happy.”
“Fine. There is someone, or there was. It’ll never work out anyway. I don’t date. I’ve got too much to do,” I said, my voice rough.
My dad looked at me so sadly that I looked away. I couldn’t stand it.
“You can’t let what your mom did to us rob you of your future happiness. You deserve to be happy and be loved by somebody smart enough to appreciate you. Her leaving didn’t mean one thing about you or how lovable you are. Because you sure are, always have been. It would break my heart to think that her leaving, that one bad thing, made more difference to you than every day I spent with you. “
“No, Daddy, don’t,” I said, sniffing.
“I mean it, sweetheart. You can’t give her that kind of power over you. She made her choices, and as far as I’m concerned, they weren’t very good ones. But that’s got nothing to do with you and whoever this man is that’s put that smile on your face. Don’t let the past keep hurting you, and no daughter of mine is going to be too scared to take a risk. Look at all you’ve been through and come out swinging. You got that big internship, your grades are excellent, and you’re a good daughter. Don’t let ancient history like what went on between your mom and me stop you from taking a chance to be happy.”
I scrubbed my hands over my face, swallowed hard, blinking back my tears. “I love you, Daddy. Don’t ever think you didn’t do enough. You’ve been the best father a girl could ask for. It’s just complicated.”
“What, do you like girls? I guess I can get used to that,” he said.
“No!” I said, shaking my head and laughing. “That’s not it. It’s just not as simple as just being with someone.”
“You’re going to do a lot of good in this world, I always knew that, because you already do. But you have to make time for what’s important. And that means not closing off your heart. You applied to Berkley, applied for scholarships, the internship—you put yourself out there when something matters to you and damn the risk of being let down. You’re brave when you want to be.”
“It’s different. If I didn’t get a scholarship or got turned down for an internship, I’d just go for another one. Relationships aren’t like that.”
“Well, not if you’re in them for the right reasons, but you do get to try again with someone different. I won’t lie to you. It hurts when it doesn’t work out. But it’s still worth it.”
I felt defensive, a little panicky. I didn’t want my dad worrying about me ending up alone, but I didn’t want him doing the hard sell on long term monogamy either.
