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Because she makes it easy for me to open up. She has been such a big help these past few weeks.
“Uh, no. My dad had to fly back for an important meeting.” I force as much pep and bravado into my voice as possible, even if it feels like a lie.
It shouldn’t be a big deal that Rupert left without me. This is my life. But even still, I kind of hoped this time would be different. He knew I was dealing with more than the usual fear of flying. He knew I needed him.
More to convince myself than anything else, I add, “It’s all good. I’ve got this.”
“Oh, Leighton, that’s a shame. You’re alone.” Disappointment and sympathy lace her words.
My inclination is to mumble an affirmation and move on from this topic, yet Tom, the shameless flirt with his easy smile and kind-hearted ways, flits through my mind. I might be alone, especially with what I’m dealing with, but I’m not alone on the drive. Not really.
Tom certainly isn’t one to respect boundaries, and something tells me he won’t let me wallow or flounder if it comes to that.
Everly’s concern cuts off my focus on my hot driving companion. “You call me whenever you want. Night or day, okay?”
“Okay, thanks.” I need us to move on, and without giving it much thought, I jump to the next topic, another one that I’m failing at. “Everly, I want you to know I haven’t forgotten about working with you at the Raven Mission. I’m trying to make it happen.”
I wish I had better news. My father isn’t budging no matter how much I want this, but I refuse to give up. I have to persuade him.
“No, no. I’m not worried about that, and I don’t want you to either. Like I’ve said before, we want to work with you in any capacity, whenever is best for you. Besides, you’re already helping us. In fact…” Her lingering pause causes the butterflies to stir. “I’m sure he won’t mind us telling you… We haven’t announced yet, but after all, you connected us.” Elation carries her next words, and I can almost see her smile. “Malik Fadel is sponsoring the build of our LA office.”
“Oh my God, he is? That’s fantastic.”
Malik is a good friend and a powerhouse for Everly’s cause. As a well-known actor and Broadway sensation for his recent portrayal of Danny Zuko inGrease, his support will go a long way.
I met him at one Hollywood party or another. We then ran into each other shortly after the suicide of his best friend and Malik’s very public meltdown. We grew close, sharing our struggles, including telling him how I was still in therapy to deal with anxiety and the pressures of dealing with my parents. During one of our many chats, I also mentioned how Everly and her organization have helped me immensely, giving me a purpose.
“It is, and we owe it all to you.”
“Not really. I only introduced the two of you. The Raven Mission speaks for itself.”
“You’re too kind, and I’m glad you think so. We try. Okay, I’ll let you go, but remember, I’m here for you and thinking of you.”
“Thank you.” I swallow past the sob gathering in my throat. “That means a lot.”
A swell of emotion threatens to drown me. Everly’s kindness and concern are immeasurable and, sadly, foreign to me. My father believes Everly wants something from me, to leverage the Price reputation, and while that might be true to some extent, I don’t believe that’s all our relationship is about.
I met Everly during a bout with anxiety and depression. At the time, I didn’t know that’s what I was going through or how to deal with it. All I knew was that something was terribly wrong. I was lost and alone, and like a lighthouse, she guided me ashore.
With the help of her team of medical and psychological specialists, it became clear what precipitated my decline in mental health. My mother’s addiction and depression and my father’s drive to work all the time left me out in the proverbial cold.
For most of my life, I wasn’t their first priority—or more specifically, my father’s—and yet I was always striving to please him, make himseeme, make him care for me. My mother cared for me, but whatever my father wanted topped everything else.
I blink away my tears and open my secret social media account. My post from yesterday in front of the Chateau Marmont sits on my screen. It’s the very one that prompted Everly to call.
Imjustme:Driving home. I’m not ready for more.
.
.
.
As hard as that is to write, it’s the truth. If nothing else, I need to face the truth. Even with all the work I’ve done these past three weeks, preparing myself to face this fear, I can’t do it. I wish I could. For some of you, I am sure this is disappointing news and you may even be disappointed in me. I get that, and while my inclination is to apologize, I simply can’t.
This is difficult to admit. It’s difficult not to feel like a failure. But I am not a failure. This is only where I am NOW, not FOREVER, and I won’t apologize for putting myself first. I won’t apologize for admitting I have more work to do. Thank you for all your love and support. If you’re struggling, be kind to yourself. It’s okay to not be ready.
Nothing has changed since I wrote that post. Then I switch accounts and check my other post. The one I had to send to my mother and publicist before it could go live.
