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And I love it.
The way the corners of his eyes crinkle when we make eye contact. The way they light up with a genuine smile when he sees me. How warm he always looks when our hands are touching.
It almost didn't seem fair.
He's taken notice too, it seems. His cheeks flushed when our skin touched. I wonder if it was because he thinks about me doing the same thing. But even as I entertain the notion I don't want to believe it. I can't believe he really cares about me like that.
So I kept the doubts to myself. They weren't worth risking losing him over.
"You look like you have something on your mind. What is it?" He asks, breaking the silence.
I shake my head. "Nothing important."
That wasn't entirely true. It would take a lot more than some stupid feelings that made sense to understand them.
Still, he doesn't press further. Instead, he gets up and offers his hand for me to take. I take it immediately.
"Let's go," he says.
"Where are we going, my lord?" I ask as I follow him.
"It is getting late and you need your rest."
We fall asleep together that night and it's the best sleep I've had in a long time. Maybe ever. He's warm and solid and strong, and it 's exactly the right way to feel. Like I'm wrapped up in the most wonderful blanket. And the best part about it? I feel nothing but happy.
20
DIANE
My life with Carmichael is turning into something I never imagined I could have. It has slowly turned into a dream I hope I never wake up from. But no matter how happy I am with him, it still feels bittersweet, because I know this is all there is.
The change I have seen in him is overwhelming. It seems too good to be true. His kindness and gentleness only makes me love him more, and I wonder if he might ever feel the same for me. This arrangement of ours leaves me longing for more, but I fear it will never happen.
This is what is best for my family's sake and I know I am doing this for them. I just can't help but want something more.
I want to be someone he would call his wife, and I want to do anything to show him that I really, truly appreciate being here with him.
He knows, but he doesn’t say much about it. Maybe he knows I already feel that way.
He doesn’t talk about it much either, but every morning when we wake up together, he kisses my forehead and tells me how beautiful I look in the mornings. The words are kind, even though they aren't necessary. He has started to do more of those kinds of things to me.
"I have something different for us planned tonight. Something I hope you will enjoy," he says with a nervous smile.
I follow Carmichael outside, where I see a blanket and picnic waiting for us. It looks cozy enough as he sets everything up. He sets out three different bottles of alcohol then lays the table and prepares the food for our dinner. We sit on the blanket together to eat.
"Carmichael, what are we doing here?" I ask once we’re sitting down with our food.
He gives me a smirk and says simply, "I want to spend time with you."
He then takes my hand in his.
After that comment, it is all too easy to be dragged over the cliff edge with him, even though it has been a long day. The wind sweeps through my hair, causing it to dance around me while I try to keep it out of my face.
"You look beautiful, Diane," he whispers into my hair as he pulls me closer to him.
I find it impossible not to get lost in the moment with him as I do so often. With his arms wrapped around me, I feel safe and cherished, but it is hard not to think about how it can all end at any moment. The thought that he may grow tired of me and send me away still haunts me.
My heart is torn between knowing my love for him and the heartbreaking truth that he will never feel the same about me.
