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“I’m not going to force you to come out,” I state, and I mean it. “But I don’t want to hide. How is that going to work when you’re running this camp?”
He swallows audibly. “I can’t come out.”
“I know.”
“It would ruin the camp.”
“I know that too.”
“We can make it work,” he nearly begs, and I swear I see tears in his bloodshot eyes. “Can you settle for that now?”
“Yeah, I can,” I say, but the words taste bitter on my tongue. And because I can’t handle this anymore, I change the subject. “How about we go back to your cabin and fuck?”
He looks so relieved to be in a place that’s familiar to us, away from the ugly truth that awaits us in a few short weeks. “That sounds good. Will you…will you use the toy again?”
I laugh—genuine now—and kiss the tip of his nose. “That greedy asshole likes being stuffed?”
He blushes and tries to avert his gaze. “Yes.”
“Your wish is my command, babe.”
And it is. There’s no other option but to cave to his every whim. I can’t leave him, and he can’t come out. I’ve…trapped myself in this endless cycle of pain. But it’s pure ecstasy. It’s the sweetest kind of torture that I’d let tear me limb from limb as long as it was he who put me back together again.
Maybe this is what Father Matteo meant when he said that we have to make sacrifices for the ones we love. I’m so close to love, so close to being blindly connected to Jarred forever, and I think I’m ready to sacrifice just about anything.
Even my worth.
CHAPTER22
JARRED
We walk back to my cabin without a word. Noah seems pensive and quiet, and I can’t lie and say it doesn’t make me nervous. But the steady pressure of our fingers intertwined—walking hand in hand through the forest—makes those nerves settle. Excitement takes its place as we reach and enter my cabin.
I’m ready for all the filthy things he’s going to do with me. I want him and that dildo inside of me again. After our conversation in the lake, his silent and vulnerable plea to not be my secret, I think we need this.
I turn to him—a smirk on my face—and stop when I see the look on his. Those beautiful hazel eyes are filled with something foreign, almost hesitant, showing no signs of the sinful carnage I was expecting.
“Noah?” I question, taking a step toward him and reaching for his hand. “Is everything okay?”
I start to panic a bit. Maybe our conversation by the lake really did get to him. Maybe he just played off his true emotions to appease me. Maybe he’s rethinking everything we’re doing, knowing that he could do better than a forty-five-year-old man who can’t give him more than this.
But then he kisses me. It’s…sweet and gentle. It’s like he’s never kissed me before. It’s like the first kiss we should have had, soft and almost youthful in its inexperience.
“Jarred,” he whispers against my lips, reaching for the hem of my shirt. “Jarred…”
I wait for him to say something else, but he doesn’t. He just starts slowly undressing me, taking his time, his fingers tracing every inch of me as he lays me down on the bed. Once I’m naked and ready for him, he doesn’t follow suit. Noah’s become acquainted with my cabin and, for some reason, he goes straight to my closet. I stare at him quizzically as he starts pulling out various candles. I’m not too sure how he knows they were there. I keep them in case we get a power outage like we have in the past. He must have noticed them one day as I was getting dressed.
My confusion doesn’t go away as he wordlessly starts lighting them, placing them in every corner of the cabin until the only thing illuminating the dark are flickering flames painting shadows across the walls.
“What’s happening?” I ask, but he ignores me as he starts undressing. He slips out of his shirt, his beautiful figure on display, his nipple piercings shining under the candlelight. He continues until he’s naked, and I take a moment to soak it all in.
He looks like a god. He looks like the perfect picture of youth—covered in piercings, tone and lean, filled with so much life—and I wonder for a split second what he must see in me to choose me.
“Jarred,” he says again, falling to his knees in front of the bed, his magical hands rubbing up and down my calves. “Let me.”
I’m not too sure what he’s asking permission for, but I nod. Noah can do anything to me. He can treat me like his whore and spit in my mouth and slap my ass until it’s numb.
But that’s not what he does.
