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I heaved a shuddering sigh, my whole body trembling. There it was—the thing I had been trying to flee from. The quivering heart at the center of my raging emotions. And just like Amara, Nik had seen straight to it.
I looked up at him, struggling to comprehend this Nik who was both like and unlike the one I knew before. It was like him to see straight to the heart of the issue and to name it without prevarication or softening. But the sympathy in his voice and eyes was entirely new.
The two aspects combined defeated me completely. I deflated, my whole body collapsing inward, my shoulders sagging.
“It’s not that they…” I tried again. “No one ever hurt…” I groaned. Trying to dance around the truth was hopeless. “My mother never did anything wrong, but my Father…”
Nik’s hold remained gentle, but I could feel his body tense as he waited for me to continue.
“He tried to keep me small so that I would never leave our farm,” I said. “He had his reasons for being afraid, but those reasons don’t change what he did. He convinced me I should never be activated—telling me my squeamishness would cripple my ability to use my power. I thought it was a horrible joke that I, of all people, had been given a strong healing seed but no way to ever use it.”
Nik’s mouth fell open slightly, but he quickly recovered himself.
“You’re squeamish?”
I blinked. “I never mentioned that?”
“I’m fairly sure I would remember,” he said dryly.
“Oh, sorry.” I considered. “I guess even after I discovered the truth in Ostaria, it was hard to shake the old habit of finding it shameful.”
“I’ve heard it mentioned occasionally at the Guild. It didn’t seem like something to be ashamed about.”
“No, I realize that now. Once I had control of my power, it became easy to manage. And before that I had my—”
“Wall!” His eyes lit up. “So that’s why you had one. I’ve wondered about that.”
“Really?” I frowned at him. Did he really think about me when we weren’t together?
He shrugged. “It’s an unusual use of your ability. I don’t think I’ve ever heard of healing power being used that way—and it seems like the kind of thing I would have heard of.”
“What?” I asked, managing a light tone I didn’t feel. “Did you think you were the only one who could come up with new uses of your ability?”
He looked uncomfortable enough that a real laugh escaped me. “Oh, don’t tell me I’m right? You really did think that!”
He shifted slightly on the tree stump. “Of course I didn’t think I was theonlyone. But you were a fresh apprentice, then. It didn’t make any sense.”
I shoved him lightly with my shoulder. “So you’re relieved now that you realize I did it by accident because I’m weak, not because I had some kind of unparalleled strength?”
He met my eyes, his own serious. “I don’t think you’re weak, Delphine.”
My stomach contracted, the momentary amusement dissipating.
“Well, that’s a new tune,” I managed, my fingers twisting in Ember’s fur. “I thought you only valued me for my fox.”
Nik looked away, and I suddenly, desperately wanted to know what he was trying to keep me from seeing in his eyes. For several silent seconds, I thought he would remain silent, but he finally spoke.
“I’ve been alone for well over a year now—first roaming the kingdom at will, and then pursuing Grey. For most of that time, I didn’t mind the solitude—in fact, I preferred it. I was convinced that my own strength was the only safe thing to be relied on.”
He turned to look at me at last, but his eyes were veiled and hard to read. “I was even arrogant enough to think I could keep you safe as well as myself.”
“Me?”
I frowned. Did he think he’d failed me somehow?
“I used to be furious that my family wouldn’t acknowledge my strength,” he said quietly. “But when I looked at you with Grey’s knife coming out of your middle, I knew there was absolutely nothing I could do to save you. All my plants strength meant nothing.”
“But it didn’t matter,” I said. “I could heal myself.”
