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“Well, we don’t really,” I explain. “Most of us don’t remember what our lives were like before we were initiated, but one thing we all have in common is that we were basically dead. We were at the end of our lives, for one reason or another, left without family. The CIA only chooses the best people for the job. People who won’t be missed. People who have no one to look for them.”
“But you don’t remember anything from the past?”
I shake my head. “Not a thing.”
“Nothing about your parents?”
“Nope.”
“That sucks.”
I nod. It does suck. But I think it would suck to know, too.
“So yeah. If we get arrested, we have to deal with the consequences. The CIA won’t bail us out, but they’re also not going to slap us on the wrists for doing something bad. They don’t care as long as we keep our mouths shut.”
“I have to think that at some point you can become a liability, though, right?” she asks, and I find it almost cute that she’s actually showing interest. That she’s been actually speaking to me.
I let my guard down a little bit, letting her in. The anger in my head clears, and I start to notice more. The almost spicy scent of her sweaty skin filling the car, like an expensive perfume I’ve only smelled at galas. But those rich women always wear far too much, suffocating me. Sydney wears just enough to notice it. Just enough to make me want to lean in and breathe it in.
Snap out of it, Ronan.
“Since we technically don’t exist, the second we become a liability, they just take us out,” I say with a shrug. It’s the truth. They don’t care about us at all.
Sydney turns in her seat, trying to catch my eyes as I watch the road ahead. “And you’re okay with that?”
“Why wouldn’t I be? They gave me life. They provide me with a roof over my head and an interesting enough job. We get paid more than you can ever imagine just to do their dirty work for them. We’re pawns, but we know that, and I think we’re all okay with it.”
“Jerry, too? How does she remember the past?”
I bite my lip, wincing. “I don’t think that her story is mine to tell,” I say simply, unsure of what else to add. Jerry is a complicated person. I adore her, but she’s not an easy person to get along with, and what she told Sydney earlier in the day was only part of everything.
She’s complicated, and I’m not the person to explain it.
“What do you do then?”
I explain my job to her. Or at least as much as I can. I work in the government as a low-level aid to one of the secretaries of state. I listen in on conversations, give him advice sometimes, and plant information. Whatever I have to do for a specific job. I’m there to make sure that things are running smoothly and report back to the Agency.
Sydney nods and sits back, staring ahead. Blowing out, she knocks her head against the back of the seat. “I’m in so much trouble, right?”
I nod. She’s so screwed.
* * *
The second we get out of the car, Jerry is in her face screaming, the police scanner in her hand crackling.
“What the fuck were you thinking? Do you really think that you could just run from us? That you weren’t going to get stopped?”
“I was hoping I’d get further, yeah,” Sydney says, pushing against Jerry’s chest.
“You could have died, and then we’d be screwed. Do you understand that?”
“I understand it plenty.” She rolls her eyes, trying to move around her.
Jerry goes to smack her, but I move between them easily, stopping her. “It’s been a long night, okay, Jer? Why don’t we talk about this in the morning?”
“You could have gotten arrested,” she tells me, her voice small.
Jerry doesn’t have many weaknesses, but one of them is us. Especially when we’re in trouble. She’d lay down her life for us, of that I know. She cares about each and every one of us, and I can’t help but love her for it.
