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I try not to think about how many bodies are buried underneath me.
* * *
I come to with a start, blinking away the stars clouding my vision. My hand reaches out, and I can almost feel the grass beneath me. Instead, I feel concrete.
Sitting up with a start, my eyes wide, I look around at all the faces looking at me, wondering what’s wrong.
I don’t feel like talking to them anymore. I have nothing else to say, nothing to hide.
“I don’t have anything else to say to you,” I tell Jerry, who sits perched on the edge of the couch, her body propped up on her elbows as she leans toward me, her head tilted. “Please let me go.”
“We can’t; I’m sorry,” she says, sounding anything but sorry. “You and Ronan will get married tomorrow, and then we’re taking this company down.”
“Jerry, I’ve run from this my whole life—”
“Like a coward.”
I stop, the words caught in my throat. “I’ve done everything I could,”
“No, you haven’t. You ran the second you could, but you still benefitted from them, didn’t you? You were able to afford a fancy new college because of your connections. I’m willing to bet that you still get paid by them, don’t you?”
I sputter, unsure what to say. She knows the answer. If she’s bringing this up, she knows.
“You’ve benefited from who your parents are, what they do, and how much money they make. You still receive blood money from them. Doesn’t that make you feel bad? If you really wanted to run?”
I close my eyes, sinking into myself. “They were controlling. They knew where I was at all times. It was their form of control. I couldn’t get a job unless they approved, but I had to live—”
“You didn’thaveto do anything, Sydney. You’re a coward. A selfish coward who will make absolutely nothing of herself unless she grows some fucking balls and stands up to them.”
“They’redead!” I scream, my chest heaving as my entire body shakes, my skin heating.
The others have left, I’m just realizing, leaving only Jerry and I here. But there’s no doubt in my mind that they’re off listening somewhere.
“And you will be, too if you don’t get your head out of your ass and see things for what they are,” Jerry seethes, standing up to tower over me.
I push myself up more, climbing to my feet.
But she’s right.
I’ve let fear control me for my entire life. Let them hold money above my head, let them control me as I swore I was free. I was never free. I’m still not free, and I don’t think I ever will be.
“I want to go home,” I tell her, my shoulders slumping.
She shakes her head. “It’s not going to happen. Ronan!” she calls. “Take her upstairs.”
NINE
RONAN
“We’re not finishedwith this conversation,” I tell Jerry as I grab Sydney, bringing her upstairs. “I’ll be down in a minute, and we’re sorting this out. This is my life too, Jerry.”
She rolls her eyes, flopping back down on the couch.
Sydney is like putty in my hands, all but given up. The dark circles under her eyes age her, and I feel an unfamiliar twist in my stomach, like a knife.
I tell myself I just don’t like seeing women upset.
“Hang out in here while I figure things out, okay? I got this; I’ll get us out of this mess,” I assure her, but my voice lacks confidence. I’m not sure if I can talk my way out of this. I’m not sure if I can really help her. Once Jerry has something in her mind, she’s like a dog with a bone. She’s not going to risk it. She’s not going to drop it. Not ever.
