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“As you know, I’m my father’s first son. First children usually have a lot riding on them, and in my family, it was no different. He had a lot of expectations for me. He wanted me to be the best because I was meant to be his legacy. His successor. Growing up, I had to be the best in school, the biggest, the strongest. He pushed me to exceed all his expectations, and I tried my best but it was never enough. My younger brothers have always been smarter than me. Hell, Topher’s a fucking genius.” He lets out a wry laugh.
I hold my breath. I don’t say a single word because this is what I’ve needed all this time. For him to open up to me. I just want to know who he really is.
“It was like, I could never really measure up. But what I could do is try my fucking hardest when it came to the family business. When I was younger, I thought I was going to be the next Don. Then my dad placed that gun in my hand when I was fifteen and told me to shoot. Christian had to do the same when he was sixteen. It’s kind of a D’Angelo family tradition, except Topher was exempted,” he says bitterly.
“After I shot the man, I blacked out. I was so shaken up, I think I might have even repressed the memory for a bit. But after I realized I could block out the screams, it wasn’t that bad. My dad told me I needed to be at the top of the food chain or risk getting eaten. Failure was not an option. He made it clear that if anything happened to him, the entire family is my responsibility and I have taken that very seriously. I’m pretty sure my dad decided Christian would be a better successor than me after that night. So, I could remain in the shadows and do whatever’s necessary to keep everything together. There were expectations and I needed to live up to them. He would take me along to every job, and every time someone deserved to die, I had to be the one to take their life. I cut off all the friends I had. I even had a girlfriend, but I had to break up with her. Soon enough, there was no going back. I was forced to become exactly what my father wanted me to.”
“How could he do that to you?” I ask, my voice trembling.
He looks at me coolly, “Make no mistake, Tori, my father wasn’t a good man. But he was a good man to his family, his friends, the people he cared about. He was honorable in the ways that counted but in the world we live in, sometimes you need a ghost. Everything he did to me, every lesson, every action, was taken to make me stronger. He wanted me to be strong enough to take care of my family, and that’s what I’ve done every day since he died.”
“No,” I say. “Your father made you who you are! I don’t know your brothers very well but it seems to me like they made their own choices. They became who they were meant to be while you were forced to become someone you never really were.”
Carlo gives me a dull look. “What are you talking about,dolcezza?”
“I need you to hear me,” I say desperately. “You are much more than the person he made you become.”
Carlo gets to his feet. I can tell he’s reaching his breaking point. “I’ve been this person for more than half my life, Tori. This is who I am.”
“No. I can’t accept that,” I say, unable to stop the words flowing past my lips. Carlo’s expression doesn’t change. He’s hiding behind his walls again. “I watched you torture a man almost to death today, and the worst part is, you looked like you enjoyed it.”
He looks away. “You knew, Tori. You knew who I was when you became mine.”
“You’re right, maybe deep down I did. And maybe I could have ignored it, but I saw it. I saw it all today and that’s not what I want for myself.”
The words come out in a rush. My heart begins to pound because although I’ve been thinking about it since we left the hotel room, a part of me still can’t believe the words I’m saying to him.
Carlo’s eyes flicker with hurt. “What’s that supposed to mean?”
“Carlo, I’m a doctor. I work to save people’s lives. I can’t come home to you every day knowing you might have just killed someone in the most brutal way possible.”
Tension rolls across his body. His jaw tightens. “He kidnapped you Tori, he could’ve hurt you. I should’ve hilled that fucker,” he says coldly.
I stand and reach up to place my hand on his jaw, forcing eye contact. “I’m telling you now that it doesn’t have to be.”
He pulls away angrily. “What do you want from me, woman?”
“I want you to stop,” I say softly. “I want you to choose me.”
He continues to stare at me blankly.
“Walk away from it, Carlo. I want you to walk away from the mafia,” I finally say.
He doesn’t say anything for several seconds. Then his eyelids flutter shut. When he speaks again, his words are hollow, crushed.
“I can’t do that.”
“Then I can’t be with you,” I say, hating with all my heart that I’m giving him an ultimatum.
But I don’t have a choice. I can’t be with a man who could do something so horrible without a second thought. He has a heart deep within, and I want to help him heal it. But for me to do that, he has to leave all the anger and pain behind.
Carlo doesn’t speak after that. I watch as he grabs the keys to his car. After one last look at me, he leaves the apartment. Something shatters in my chest, but I console myself with the knowledge that he has to come back and give me an answer.
I head into our bedroom and climb into the bed. It feels so empty without him, but at least it feels like him. A part of me can’t believe I just told him I would leave. Because when it all comes down to it, I’m not so sure I can.
I love him,I think to myself, just before I fall asleep.
* * *
