AllFreeNovel
Share Us
He murmured in Ukrainian while I kissed and bit at him. I wanted to open my pores and absorb Aleks directly in through my skin, so as to never lose him again. Yet somehow everything was different now. And not quite right. Sex felt like a fight. I didn’t like him letting me take the lead. That wasn’t what I wanted. He’d said he loved me with great force. I needed that.
I got my way, sort of, but something was still wrong. Wary defences remained in me. But every movement weakened them. They crumbled under the tenderest of kisses. He spoke words unknown, in his own language. He sounded gentle and rough and true. It was his words that finally ended the battle, and I let go, torn into little pieces of self, loudly scattered around the bed.
My fragmented form lay helplessly under him, then beside him. He was wet with sweat. I kissed it, and tasted the salt of him. I could hear his heart. I could smell his skin. I was warm.
“I am so very deeply in love with you, Malphia.”
I wanted to say it back, but some splinter of armour caught on the words and unravelled them. I almost found myself saying, ‘yeah, right,’ in some sort of defiance or defence, but what actually came out was: “I love the way you make hot chocolate.”
He laughed. “It is impossible for us to be apart, angel. I think—”
My finger stilled his lips. “Not tonight. Can’t we be, just us? Here in this moment?”
“Of course,” he whispered.
Lamplight was replaced with bright moonlight, but I was too sleepy to stay awake and appreciate its silver beauty. There had been no moon visible in the circle. The great orb seemed to shine for us alone, casting three long window shapes across the bed, across our bodies, and over our love.
My eyes stared directly into his.
“I am so happy you are here,” he said.
Grey and silver predominated in the colour scheme of Aleks’s room, like the moonlight of the night before. I backed away, off the bed and onto the floor. Random clothes were pulled on.
“Is Sunday,” he said. “We can stay in bed as long as we like.”
My arms began to shake. “I can’t be here. Can’t do this again.”
“Then, what is this last night?” he asked, the happy, sleepy look fading from his face.
I stayed silent and still, too confused by the mix of emotions I was feeling to understand them myself, let alone explain them to him. I wanted to be with him. Of course I did. But I also didn’t. Because it was scary and intense and overwhelming.
“You said you needed me,” he said. “So you meant only for sex. You are making us into ‘friends with benefits?’” He got out of bed.
“No. I didn’t plan any of this.”
“Your ache is cured, so you go. You have made your use of me.”
I shook my head but said nothing.
“A fuck buddy? This is what I am now?” Aleks saying the word ‘fuck’ felt jarring and wrong. And how dare he?
“You were the one with the bath and the chocolate,” I reminded him. “You were the one telling me to stay.” His face was furious, but I was the one to shout. “I certainly don’t need you swearing at me! So don’t worry, Aleks, it’ll never happen again.”
I ran for the door, but he followed, and I somehow ended up crying against his chest while he held my head and pressed his mouth into my hair.
“I’m sorry, angel. I am so sorry. Feel my heart.” It drummed fast against my palm. “I am panic, thinking we are together, and then we are not. You are afraid to resume our relationship, and how could you not be after the way I have behaved?”
Was I just going to let him carry me back to bed? Apparently so.
He went on. “Maybe this is the best idea? I will still be the man who makes love to you. You come to me whenever you like. Or tell me, and I come upstairs to you. In time, maybe, I can earn your trust again, and we develop into more. If this is what you want.”
“No. Aleks. This is a weird thing you’re suggesting.” I lay back on the bed and folded my arms over my face. I felt him shift to lie close and resisted the inclination to turn and snuggle.
“So,” he said. “We tell everyone we are together. No more secrets.”
“Would you really want that?” I asked, facing him, and then noticing he had a cut lip. “Was that me?” I touched the hurt place gently and remembered biting him.
“Oof.” He waved a dismissive hand. “Always we are responding to each other with great passion. I want anything that will make you feel sure of me again, secure with me. To be secret was always your choice.”
