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Three large haggises, or haggii as Ross said the plural was, were placed on the table along with dishes of mashed potatoes and turnips.
“Isn’t that, like, a sheep’s testicle?” asked Justin in a queasy voice.
“Actually the stomach,” said Paul, then listing the other intestinal ingredients of haggis.
“That’s the veggie een for us,” said Holly to me. “Beans and oats and pepper.”
Some of the others raided our vegetarian haggis but not Will, Aleks, or Ross, the farmer, who kept topping up my whisky. Head buzzing, I sat in the middle of a male triangle that pushed and pulled in different ways: Aleks looked at me but spoke to Simone, Will asked if I was okay, and Ross had a very interesting conversation about the local area with my cleavage.
The meal concluded with cranachan for pudding which consisted of raspberries, cream and yet more whisky. The band assembled, but Ross stayed with us to teach the dances. “My charming dinner companion will partner me for the Gay Gordons,” he said, taking my hand.
“What’s that now?” asked Justin. “Did I hear that wrong?”
Once it was confirmed that he had heard right, he cajoled Ruaridh into dancing with him. “Phi gets a man in a kilt; so do I; it’s only fair.”
Off we went round the room. The constant changes of direction were perplexing and arm tangling. A range of reels had us spinning in circles, forming lines and skipping up and down with our partners. I liked dancing with Ross. He was very non-ballet and rough round the edges, but patient and humorous in his teaching manner. I did not like the behaviour of Aleks and Simone who kept laughing at the Scottish dances.
Ross eventually took his place with the band. The lights dimmed as the whisky and music flowed on.
Justin and I sat down on chairs at the side of the hall and agreed that we liked the bum-emphasising look of kilts, and the way the garments swung about during dancing.
Simone and Aleks stayed up on the dance floor. She whispered something that made him smile.
“Really hating her now,” said Justin.
“She thinks he’s single, remember.”
“Pish. She was exceptionally rude to me. Did you not hear her?” He assumed a high-pitched voice. “‘Just for one night, Justin, don’t be a wanker.’ I mean to say, look at her.”
I looked over at Simone and Aleks as they moved to the music together. She reached up and placed her hands on either side of his face, and then, with a pounce-like movement, she kissed him. Right on the mouth. Kissed him. And then they were gone, hidden by the rest of the dancing crowd.
I stared at the floor, feeling woozy and blank.
Justin rubbed my arm. “Don’t cry here, Phi. You’ve got clarification now and can move on. Find your tartan tit-gazer and have a good snog.”
I shook my head at that awful idea as Will appeared and held out his hand. Will was my dear friend, and he would take my mind and eyes off bad things. We swayed to the music, and he hooked my hands round his neck. I leant my head against his shoulder, sad and tired.
“Something to show you,” he whispered, pulling me to the side of the hall and up the corridor to the kitchen area. We ran through a disorienting labyrinth of turns and alleyways.
“I found this cupboard thing last night, when I was looking for food,” he said, leading us into a small room.
A sturdy Gothic door swung shut behind us with a loud click. Will flicked a switch, and green lights illuminated the floor from below. We walked down four uneven steps and stood at the edge of a glowing glass surface.
“It’s safe to stand on,” he told me, and we did so. Various sizes of barrels and a big cauldron were artistically arranged in a small underground chamber beneath the glass. Domed alcoves housed dusty green and brown bottles, and there was a box of clay containers with corks that I had a feeling were antique bed warmers.
“Cool, isn’t it?” Will said.
“It’s a bit creepy and contrived. What’s a feature like this doing way back here?” I looked around. A big dresser held pots and bowls, while a pair of flat stone angels decorated the wall above. The angels held a heart that was being pierced by thorns, and one of them pointed a finger towards the floor.
“So, what’s up with you, Malph? From where I was standing, it kind of looked like you were looping in a bad way.”
I leant back against the table. “My boyfriend’s gone off with someone else.” I started to cry and wished I could pick the thorns out of my own heart.
“No way,” he said, holding me. “Well he’s an idiot then, isn’t he? Who’s more gorgeous than you?”
“Don’t say that. You don’t mean it.” I pushed him away.
“Malph—”
