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I shook my head. “This is all too intense. I can’t cope. I have to go.” I could hear my heart beating in my ears and was acutely aware of two terrible things: the invasion of privacy that I’d just committed, and the other, the posh Scottish other.
“Malphia, have I done something?” seemed a nonsensical question. We both knew the things we’d done. “Or said something?” he added.
“You haven’t said anything.”
I walked out of the room, down the hall and into his bedroom where my bag was. The sky beyond the huge windows was a mix of reds. The great domes of the city reflected the colours of the sunset, all natural hues that went well together. My eyes perused the beautiful view a final time, and then I left.
He didn’t make it easy, following me out into the hallway. “You will let me drive you home?” His voice sounded different, cross and short.
“No.”
“I will call you a taxi?”
“No,” I said, stepping into the elevator.
“You will let me know when you get home,” was not a question so I didn’t answer, and then the doors closed.
“It’s over,” I told Justin when I arrived back at our flat.
He pulled the details from me. “I don’t see it,” he said. “Her and him. That first class you missed, right back at the beginning? He was pissed off that the woman in red was there that day, and pissed off that you weren’t. You need to talk to him. Get clarity.”
It was true. I did need to tell him that I’d both listened to and deleted his message. It was a hot and itchy thought, and it made me cry as I took my phone out to send him a text. I couldn’t type the terrible thing I’d done. I needed more time to think how best to speak about that. So I just sent:home.
“He asked me to tell him,” I explained to Justin’s eyebrow.
“Really? You’re having an argument, and he asked— Oh! Why did I not see this before? I thought you had some sort of thing for teachers, but no: you’ve got daddy issues!”
“I do not.”
He started counting points on his fingers: “Older man, caring, knowledgeable, wanting to know that you’re safe. Not things your own parents are known for, so he’s meeting an unmet need. Maybe it’s better you end it, Phi. I don’t think it’s healthy.”
I pressed my face into the fluffy cushion and cried. A place in my chest hurt and made it difficult to breathe. I went to bed and planned my words for the next day, a day that arrived all too quickly.
“Aleks, I did a terrible thing last night,” I told him in the bright studio before class, but that’s all I got to say because: Madame. She clod-hopped into the room wearing wooden clogs, a woven dress with windmills on it and a tiara of tulips, and demanded to know why I was there. She then commandeered Aleks in a quiet conversation, that I couldn’t hear, while I warmed up.
He was sweet to me during class, correcting my tendu but saying that nothing was so terrible we couldn’t work past it. And when I finally, during our own private class, got to tell him what I’d done? He laughed.
“This is all?” he said, then sobering. “Michelle is a colleague only. She has a way of speaking that is rude and inappropriate sometimes. I am sorry you have heard this and been distressed. But she is right about one thing. I have been avoiding her calls. I do not care that I missed the message. I do not want it.”
Inappropriate, I got, but: “Aleks, I’m shocked at what I did. Aren’t you?”
“No,” he said at once. “I am glad.”
Totally confused, I examined his face for sarcasm or humour, but found none.
“You have behaved in a possessive manner,” he said, and I cringed. He went on. “This shows your depth of feeling. When the emotion is large, these things? They happen. Believe me when I tell you that I would have done much worse in the same situation.”
“No.” It was my turn to laugh. “You’re just being kind to me.”
“I am not,” he said, serious. “When I am jealous or threatened, my behaviour? It is not good.” He paused, looking down, thoughtful. “There are words we need to say to each other soon, but too much, too early, is frightening. I don’t want you to run away again. You will stay with me this weekend?”
His big brown eyes beseeched. It was difficult to say no, but I did so with an unfortunate blurt: “I can’t. I’ll have my period.”
He didn’t flinch. “But you can still stay. I will look after you. Make soup.”
“I’ll be in a lot of pain and a very bad mood. I don’t want you to see me like that.”
“I understand. But, did you know orgasm can help with this particular pain?”
