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Leaningagainsttheinsideof the flat’s door was a relief. Outside had been so overly stimulating. I was too aware of everything: shoes, socks, feet and the hard pavement beneath them. I was acutely conscious of the breeze on my face and even my face itself, cheekbones under flesh. Skin, muscle, bone, blood.
Even within the safety of home, the door against my back was made of wood, wood that had been trees, growing in a forest, a forest full of sounds and smells and—
“You’ve been shagged senseless.”
“No,” I said. “The opposite.”
“What is the opposite of that?” Justin asked, sitting me on the soft, soft sofa in our brown, and ever so fluffy, sitting room.
“I think I’ll get my diagnosis back, but I’ll be further on the spectrum than before. I’ve read about people suddenly becoming overly sensitised to stuff.” The furry cushion was nice, though. I pressed it to the side of my face.
“Are you sure you’re not just peopled-out?”
“No,” I said, having a realisation. “He didn’t people me out.”
“You spent the entire day with Zolotov?”
I nodded.
“Well, good, that’s three people in the world you can stand to be around now, Phi. But spill. The events leading up to said sensitisation?” He listened intently to the tale of the day. “I don’t think it’s an autistic thing,” he said. “This is sexual awakening, and not before time. I wouldn’t have taken you for a granda-grabber, though. Nothing wrong with going after a silver fox, or one that will be silver long before you, but does it have to be him? Choose one that’s going to be nice to you. That’s the whole point of them, isn’t it?”
“It’s not like that. And he was very nice to me.” It was difficult to express the magic of the day to someone who was determined to view it through a filter of scepticism.
“A veritable eighties montage, darling. The dolls are a bit creepy, and the train snog? Cliché.”
“It wasn’t a snog.”
“Whatever. It’s cheesy, like the end of a bad movie.”
“No, it was…” Memory of the soft pressure of Aleks’s mouth made my lips tingle. Would that happen again? It felt very vital that it should but… “D’you think he kisses everyone like that? Maybe that’s how they say goodbye in Ukraine?”
Justin shook his head. “If it was, I would know and might be living there now. He gives off a vibe around you but, as far as I can determine, he doesn’t tend to go for younger women. I suspect he wants something new, a short blast of fun. What you’ve got to decide is whether you can work like that. I don’t want you to get hurt, Phi.”
I squeezed his hand and thought of how Edward’s out-of-the-blue departures always hurt him. Edward was successful and professional and eight years older than us, though hardly silver. And he might be at the event tonight. “Let’s do this thing, Just.”
That night I had a vivid dream about Aleks. It involved the impossible scenario of him coming straight over to me before class and lifting me up against the barre. It was rough and mad and sexy, and I woke sweaty and aching and unbelievably alive. The tactility of the world was strangely exciting: the crumpled cotton sheets, woven carpet and cold metal door handle were all sensory adventures. Hot swirling tea in a pure white cup was an enchanting and intoxicating liquid that I had never properly appreciated before.
And then later, before class, he really did walk straight over to me at the barre. My heart rate increased. He then enquired politely about the show the previous evening, and I basked in his radiance.
Justin took it upon himself to answer. “We found ourselves in a room full of pretentious people who were looking to see what they could get out of each other: users, philanderers, and the odd innocent who didn’t realise what was going on.”
“Is sounding familiar,” said Aleks with a small, not as golden as usual, smile.
“I have no doubt it is,” replied Justin.
Edward’s absence had been a bitter disappointment.
“The performance was good, though,” I reminded him. Luke had been especially impressive in his unlikely role as a teenage super hero from space.
Aleks set our first plié combination, the pianist started to play, and I placed my hand on the barre to begin. The wood was polished smooth by years of exertion. I could feel the inner workings of my body, especially when Aleks stood near or gave a correction. My heartbeat was so loud, I worried that other people could hear it. Get a grip, you stupid girl, I instructed myself. Someone so beautiful would never want you. It was just a kiss to him, nothing worthy of note. The mirror’s icy face agreed and pointedly displayed my many deficiencies to prove the point.
“Your révérence is sad today, Amalphia,” said Aleks of my curtsey. “What is happening?” His voice was deep and gentle, and it made my whole body flush. “You will wait behind a minute?” he asked.
Oh no. He was going to explain that the kiss meant nothing, and I didn’t want to hear him say the words. It would be entirely preferable to just never mention it.
Will was on hand to delay the dreaded moment with some nonsense. “Malph, you know that song you did last year with Bevan?”
“No.”
