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Instead, he’d been running around doing God knows what for the last five years. That wasn’t anyone stable enough to help me or to give my son a decent life.
Connor came back out to the living room and we sat down to eat, but he didn’t talk the way he usually did. He pushed his food back and forth on his plate and refused to look at me. He ate a few bites, but that was all.
“You aren’t eating,” I pointed out. “What’s on your mind?”
“Nothing,” he mumbled. “I’m just thinking.”
I hesitated to ask what he was thinking about. Did he know? Did some part of him put two and two together? He definitely picked up on something from Kingston.
How could I possibly hope that Connor and Kingston wouldn’t form an instant bond? It was inevitable. They were made for each other. They were bound to each other by something more powerful than blood. They were bound to each other by Fate. I would never be able to come between them. Kingston was dead right about that.
Every fiber of my being revolted against Kingston bulldozing his way back into my life and taking my son or even having anything to do with Connor. I didn’t want to let that happen even though I knew I couldn’t stop it.
Connor finally looked up at me and those piercing green eyes drilled me to my very soul. Kingston used to look at me like that. I found myself looking into Kingston’s eyes.
How did I miss it all these years? How could I fail to see how similar they were? I didn’t. Connor was a chip off the old block. I had known it all along.
His eyes seemed to have gotten brighter and more intense just in the last few hours. Was that even possible? Could meeting Kingston really have that much effect on my son?
Why wouldn’t it? Connor felt an irresistible attraction for Kingston. Connor wanted to spend time with Kingston. He probably wanted to be like Kingston or even to be Kingston himself. Connor wouldn’t be able to avoid feeling that way.
“May I please be excused, Mommy?” he asked in a tiny voice. “I’m tired.”
“Okay, sweetie,” I told him. “You’ve had a big day. Let’s put you to bed.”
He walked off to his room without waiting for me. That was definitely a first. He usually got all clingy at bedtime and sometimes even wanted me to carry him to bed like a baby.
He was already in his pajamas and crawling under the covers by the time I got there. I sat down on the edge of the bed and tucked him in.
“I’m glad you had a good time hiking today,” I began.
He looked at the stars beyond his window. I should have shut the curtains, but I didn’t want to cut off his view. Why shouldn’t he enjoy looking at the stars? What kind of life was I creating for my son if he couldn’t?
“That man we met on the trail…..” he murmured. “He said you grew up together.”
I cringed. “Yes. We did.”
“Was he your friend?”
I shrugged. “Something like that.”
“It must be nice to have a friend to grow up with,” he mused. “I wish I had a friend.”
I couldn’t listen to this. I really needed to change the way I was raising him, but how? I couldn’t think of any way.
I kissed him on the cheek. “Go to sleep, sweetie. We have another big day tomorrow.”
I switched off his bedside lamp and pulled the curtains closed. I should have left them open so he could keep looking at the stars, but some things are worse than not being able to see the stars.
I shut his bedroom door behind me and returned to the living room. I didn’t feel like eating, either, so I started clearing the table instead.
Why couldn’t Connor have a friend? Why couldn’t Connor go to school like a normal boy? Why did we always have to keep running and hiding?
I couldn’t answer any of those questions for myself or for him. I tried to do what I usually did and concentrate on household chores. That usually helped me focus on just getting through the next few minutes, but it didn’t really work right now. It just made me sadder and more desperate to give my son a different life.
I put the food back in the fridge and started wiping down the table. We’d been out all day, so the apartment was still as clean as it was when we left this morning. I didn’t have much to do.
I would just have to go to bed early, too, although that usually led to lying awake thinking about what a mess my life was. I didn’t want to do that.
