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1 Once I make up my mind, I seldom change it.
2 I prefer to work at my own pace.
3 I have many friends and acquaintances.
4 People like to come to me with their problems.
5 I gain satisfaction from achieving my goals.
The questionnaire ran over ten sides of paper. Many of the statements were reworded versions of those that had gone before. Robin set to work, answering in the persona of Rowena, who was both more gregarious and more concerned about other people’s approval than her creator. The two teenaged girls in the seat in front were giggling as they compared answers.
It took forty minutes for the first completed questionnaire to be passed back to Becca. Robin handed in her own shortly afterwards, but deliberately kept hold of her pen, to see what happened. When at last all the questionnaires had been handed in, Becca took to the microphone again.
‘I’m missing pens ten and fourteen!’ she said gaily, and Robin made a show of realising she’d absent-mindedly put pen ten into her pocket. Pen fourteen was located rolling under a seat.
‘We’re going to have a quick bathroom break here,’ said Becca over the microphone, as the minibus turned into a Shell service station. ‘You’ve got thirty minutes. Don’t be late back to the minibus, please!’
As Robin descended the minibus steps, she saw Becca was flicking through the questionnaires.
Having visited the bathroom, Robin walked back towards the car park. Knowing what lay ahead, she felt a strong desire to buy chocolate, even though she wasn’t hungry. Instead, she examined the front pages of newspapers in the shop. The ever-nearing Brexit referendum dominated them.
‘Well, I hope you’re all feeling relieved!’ said Becca merrily into the microphone, after everyone had got back onto the bus, eliciting another little laugh from her passengers. ‘We’ve got just over an hour left until we arrive at Chapman Farm, so I’m going to say a little bit more about what you should expect there, and then give you the opportunity to ask any questions.
‘As you probably know, one of the UHC’s priorities is to effect meaningful change in the materialist world.’
‘Amen to that!’ said Walter Fernsby, the professor of philosophy, which made many of his companions laugh again.
‘Our main charitable concerns,’ continued the smiling Becca, ‘are homelessness, addiction, climate change and social deprivation. All these issues are, of course, inter-related, and are ills generated by a capitalist, materialistic society. This week, you’ll be joining us in our efforts to, quite literally, change the world. You might think your contribution too small to matter, but our teaching is that every single act of mercy or generosity, every minute of time given to better the world, or to help another human being, has its own spiritual power which, if harnessed, can bring about almost miraculous transformations.
‘And this change won’t merely be external. An internal change takes place when we commit to lives of service. We become more than we’ve ever dreamed we could be. I’ve personally witnessed people coming into their full spiritual power, shedding all materialism, becoming capable of extraordinary acts.
‘On arrival at Chapman Farm you’ll be divided into small groups. I can promise you, you won’t be bored! Groups rotate through different activities. You’ll attend temple and lectures, but you’ll also be crafting objects that we sell for charity and looking after the animals we keep at the farm, who are part of our commitment to ethical farming and a life in harmony with nature. You may even be asked to do some cooking and cleaning: acts of simple caretaking which prove commitment to our community and care of our brothers and sisters within the church.
‘Now, does anyone have any questions for me?’
Half a dozen hands shot into the air.
‘Yes?’ said Becca, smiling at the plump, green-haired girl.
‘Hi – um – how quickly do most people go pure spirit?’
‘I get asked that question every single time!’ said Becca, and the passengers laughed along with her. ‘OK, so – the answer is, there is no answer. I’m not going to lie to you: for most people, it takes a while, but there are definitely individuals for whom it happens fast. The founder of the church, whom we call Papa J – but he’s exceptional – he was showing signs of being pure spirit aged thirteen or fourteen, although if you read The Answer, you’ll know he didn’t yet realise why he could do things most people can’t. Yes?’ she said, to the blonde teenager sitting beside the first questioner.
‘Do we get to choose our groups?’
‘I’m afraid not,’ said Becca kindly. ‘We want you all to have the best possible individual experience during the retreat, which means we tend to put people who know each other into different groups.’
Robin saw the teenaged girls glance at each other, crestfallen, as Becca went on,
‘Don’t worry, you’ll still see each other! You’ll be sharing a dormitory at night. But we want you to have an individual experience that you can process in your own, unique way… yes?’ she said, to Walter the professor.
‘If we have a specific skill set that might be useful to the church, should we declare it? So we can be of more use?’
‘That’s a great question,’ said Becca. ‘We have some very gifted individuals within the church – I’m talking about artists, doctors, scientists – who initially undertake what, in the materialist world, would be considered quite menial tasks, knowing that this is a step towards enlightenment. That said, we do assess individual members once they’ve completed what we call Service, so as to place them where they can best serve the church and its broader mission.
‘Yes, the gentleman in the glasses?’
‘What do you say to people who claim the UHC is actually a cult?’ asked Amandeep.
