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She had decided during that panic attack that she was not going to think of her childhood. That who she was as an adult had nothing to do with that, no matter her change in circumstance. No matter that her marriage had ended when she didn’t want it to. And no, she wouldn’t have the money that she’d had as Carter’s wife. But she wasn’t destitute, and she could take care of herself. She had the skills that she had learned when she’d been with him—her experience with horses.
No one could take that from her.
She wasn’t that girl anymore. And Benny wasn’t like her either. She had chosen to be here to give them both a better life.
And they were going to have one. Right here.
She got back in her car and drove toward McCloud’s Landing. She hadn’t taken an entire tour of Four Corners yet, but she would have to do that soon. What she had seen of it was incredible. Beautiful. And she was fascinated by the way that it was run.
Her thoughts drifted—in spite of her best efforts to think of the mundane—to her dream about Brody.
Honestly, she would prefer childhood trauma to that.
At least she’d had enough therapy to begin to process her trauma.
She didn’t know how to process subconscious sexual fantasies about Brody.
She rolled her shoulders back, trying to relax. When she pulled up to the barn, she could see movement inside, and her whole body went on alert. And then, the defensive. She got out, trying to steel herself. Thankfully, the movement inside was Gus.
“Good morning,” he said.
“Morning,” she returned.
“Looking forward to getting a start on today. Thank you,” he said, “for all your expertise.”
“No,” she said. “Thank you. For the opportunity.”
And she really did mean it. Because this had been the first real opportunity she’d seen to change her life since the divorce. And the only thing that she was sorry about now was that it had taken so long for her to figure something out.
So maybe all her thoughts about putting her past behind her hadn’t really helped. She had gotten really good at ignoring the things about her life that made her uncomfortable.
But you made the decision to change it. So there’s no reason to beat yourself up over not doing it sooner.
It was exactly what she would’ve told a client. But of course, these things were a lot harder to take on board herself. Which made her feel vaguely like a hypocrite. But, oh well. She hadn’t gotten involved with therapy because she was perfect. It was because she knew how difficult it was to try and heal from something on your own.
And nobody should ever feel like they were alone.
Her first session with Loralee would be in less than an hour, and she needed to get the horses prepared, along with her proposed plan. She had worked with women like Loralee before, but of course, everybody responded to trauma differently, and just because the situation might be similar didn’t mean dealing with it would be identical. For weeklong intensives like this, the patient would often work with her, and continue to speak to their typical therapist via telehealth after different sessions.
That way, there was something new, something to help foster a breakthrough, but also something familiar.
She started to get out the different buckets that she would be using for this particular session, and some cards for labeling. And that was when she heard footsteps behind her. And just like she had known when he came to her door, she knew who it was without turning.
“Gus wanted me to assist,” he said.
“Oh,” she said. “I... I would actually prefer if you didn’t.”
Her heart gave a kick, and she told herself that what she was saying was about Loralee, and not about last night’s dream.
“Really?”
“This woman is recovering from an abusive marriage, and I would rather not have a man in the space. Especially not until I figure out exactly where she’s at mentally.”
She expected pushback. He didn’t give it. “She isn’t due for another hour, is she?”
“Well, no...”
“So, let me help you with setup. Get the horses warmed up.”
