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“Bullshit,” Felix interrupted, calm and dry.
Dei held his breath to keep from laughing.
“You couldn’t pick me out of a lineup, Felix.”
He laughed again. “Yeah, that might have been true, but you opened your fat fucking mouth, and trust me, I’ll never forget how you sound. My disorder didn’t ruin that part of my memory. Unfortunately for me. But thank you once again for proving what a monster you are.”
She swallowed heavily. “That’s not…”
“You also have several social media profiles, ma’am,” Dei cut in, knowing he should probably keep quiet, but it was either mouth off or get violent, and he had no desire to spend the week in jail. He had much better ideas for their free time. “I can confirm exactly who you are.”
“Well, I—”
“Anyway,” Felix interrupted again, now sounding tired, “this has been great and all, but my boyfriend and I need to get going.”
“Boyfriend?” she sneered.
“Seriously,” Felix said, “you’ve already been awful enough. Do you really want to add raging homophobe to the list today?”
Dei almost praised her for being smart enough to keep her mouth shut. His heart was hurting for Felix because he knew none of that had been easy. It probably wasn’t even cathartic. Dei couldn’t imagine what it would be like for his own mother to despise him that way.
Grabbing Felix’s hand, he lifted it to his lips and pressed a soft kiss to his palm, making a big show of it when he realized people were starting to filter out of the church. They were being watched, but Felix didn’t slow his pace or look back over his shoulder. Instead, he just clung to Dei and breathed slowly in and out until they reached the car.
“Kiss me again,” Felix said.
“You really wanna give them a send-off, don’t you?” Dei asked with a grin.
Felix looked up at him. “I really want to just kiss you. The rest is a bonus.”
Dei felt like he was soaring as he leaned in, cupped Felix’s cheek once more, and took the kiss he’d been longing to give for so damn long.
15
Felix was feeling too many things all at once. It reminded him a little of those people in Finland who would sit in a sauna, then roll in the snow. The shock to his system from the heavy, overwhelming grief of his grandmother’s funeral, to kissing Dei, to his mother’s cruelty threatened to send him over the edge.
It was only the fact that Dei had pressed him against the car and held him with their foreheads pressed together until he could breathe again that he hadn’t fallen apart. Off in the distance, he could still hear his mother yelling and the voices of others trying to calm her down. He could feel people staring—people he’d once known but were now total strangers.
Not one single member of his family took his side. Not one of them stood against his mom. Not one of them attempted to ask where he’d been or how he was.
It wasn’t that he’d expected them to. None of that was a surprise. But it still left an aching pit in his stomach when he thought about how—if circumstances had been different—he might still be here. If he’d made one single change in his past, Bonsai might have never happened. He’d have never met Paris and Max, and he wouldn’t have been in the shop the day Zeke walked through the doors and smiled at him.
He’d be here, his brain still a mess, but completely alone and unsure if he’d ever find his way out of the maze his mother would have created for him to keep him from escaping her.
Felix felt vaguely sick to his stomach, and while some part of him wanted to put his hands all over Dei the moment they got back to the rental, he wasn’t sure that he could. He hadn’t even had a chance to process the reality that his grandmother was gone yet, and he wasn’t sure he could now with everything going on.
What if Dei had expectations? What if he wanted more than Felix could give?
“Darlin’?”
Felix looked over and realized they were back at the house. They must have been for some time, and his face went a little hot with shame. “Sorry. I, uh…I got lost in my thoughts.”
Dei sighed and reached for him, cupping his cheek with his warm, calloused palm. “Let’s get you inside. You look like you’re fixin’ to fall over.”
The soft twang of Dei’s accent was an odd comfort, and Felix wrapped himself in it as he pushed the car door open and stood. Dei was at his side in seconds, and he led the way to the door, pushing Felix ahead of him the moment it was open.
Felix swallowed against the lump in the back of his throat and felt it move down to his chest, which wasn’t any relief at all. He pressed the heel of his hand to his sternum and rubbed. “I, uh…”
“Bed,” Dei told him.
