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“She ain’t comin’ anywhere near you, darlin’. There’s not a goddamn chance in hell.” Dei’s voice was a low growl, coming from the very depths of his soul. He’d give his remaining eye and limbs to make sure no one ever, ever made Felix feel like he was trapped again.
He wanted to tear apart anyone who made him this afraid.
“I know it’s irrational. I mean, both logically and legally.” Felix shuffled, and Dei watched as he rolled onto his side. “But for a long time, I believed her.”
“What do you mean?”
“When I was leaving town,” Felix said quietly, “I was in the car with Paris, and she called and threatened me. Paris took care of it—of me. But…I believed her. I think I’ve been waiting all this time for her to make good on her threat.”
Dei was unable to stop himself from reaching for Felix. He found his wrist, then closed his fingers around it. “Why did you decide to come back?”
“Because I need to prove to myself that she doesn’t actually have that kind of power over me or my life.”
Dei wanted to tell him that torturing himself wasn’t worth it, but he also understood in ways most people couldn’t. Dei had done a lot of things that felt terrible to prove that he was still strong, and capable, and worthy. Hell, being on this trip and tormenting himself with the man he wasn’t sure he could have was one of them.
“Just know that I’m yours,” Dei finally said. “Whatever you need me to do, whatever you need me to be. Okay?”
“Okay,” Felix said so softly Dei could barely hear him. “Can you just…” He stopped, then let out a sharp breath. “Never mind.”
“No. There’s no never minds on this trip,” Dei said. “Tell me what you need.”
“Can you just hold me? I know that’s unfair because you’re still trying to work everything out, but…”
“Like I said,” Dei told him, tugging until Felix rolled into the circle of his arm, “on this trip, I’m yours.”
And he’d be Felix’s long after too, but now wasn’t the time to say it. He wasn’t going to add more. Not until all the hard parts were over. By then, maybe they’d both understand exactly what they needed from each other.
And what they wanted.
13
Felix woke pressed against a giant, warm body, and he’d never in his life felt more content. He hadn’t looked at the time, but instinctively, he knew it was later in the morning, though he felt no need to move. His head was gently rising and falling with the rhythm of Dei’s breath, and Felix knew that if he was given the choice, he’d just stay there forever.
But that felt like a cruel fantasy, considering he had his grandmother’s funeral to attend and his family to confront, all while trying to maintain the lie with Dei and not let his stress win. It sounded like a Herculean task, but just before falling asleep, Dei had made it clear that Felix was his top priority.
It might have been the best thing he’d ever heard, especially considering that Dei had openly admitted to wanting him. He also hadn’t gone running when Felix’s lack of filter completely gave him away.
It was something.
It was hope.
He just couldn’t let himself think about it until this was all over.
“Mornin’.”
The soft rumble of Dei’s sleep-thick voice startled him, and he jumped, trying to roll away, but Dei grabbed him and held tight.
“Not so fast. You’re comfortable.”
Felix rolled his eyes, but he snuggled back in, laying his hand over Dei’s chest. His skin was smooth in most places, but there were swaths of knotted scar tissue from his injury. Felix wanted to lay him out on his table and create a canvas of art using them as the template.
“That sounds gorgeous, darlin’.”
Felix’s face erupted into heat when he realized he’d said that aloud. “Sorry. I know that’s kind of fucked-up.”
He managed to dislodge himself from Dei’s grip, and he propped up on his forearms, sinking into the too-soft mattress. Dei’s fresh, unfamiliar face was staring at him with a sleepy gaze, his prosthetic eye a little crooked, which gave him—somehow—even more character.
“I ain’t the kinda man who needs to look at all his scars and missing bits and see beauty in them, but I like that you see somethin’ in me that’s worthy of art.”
