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“You telling them the truth, or do you want an alibi?” Paris asked.
Dei stared at him, surprised by the question. “I’ll tell them the truth. My sister’s not around to back me up about how that fucker’s been beatin’ on her, but there’s no point in me making shit up.”
Paris just nodded, then fell silent again until he pulled into his driveway. Dei carefully got out of the truck, and he took his cane when Felix offered it. He was steadier on his feet now than he was before. He felt heavy after the panic attack, but his head was clear again.
And that was all it took for the humiliation to settle in. His face was burning by the time Felix got his front door open, and when Dei stepped inside, he had to physically shove back the urge to run.
“Want some water?” Felix asked from the kitchen.
Dei blinked and realized he’d been standing in the doorway for way too long. He slammed the door shut and hoped he hadn’t let in a flock of mosquitos. “I’m…actually, yeah.”
Felix appeared a second later with two cups filled from his fridge spout. They were already covered in condensation from the humidity, and his fingers nearly slipped off the glass as he raised it to his lips. The water felt just shy of too cold, and he gulped it all down in a couple of swallows before swiping the back of his hand over his mouth.
“I’m really fuckin’ embarrassed,” he admitted as he made his way over to the couch.
Felix, who was hovering near the kitchen doorway, frowned. “What the hell for?”
“Losing my mind back there,” Dei told him. “I haven’t lost control like that since I was first injured and my head was a damn mess.”
Felix carefully lowered himself to the edge of the love seat and stared first at Dei’s stump, then at his thigh where the prosthetic socket was visible. “It must have been hell.”
Dei shrugged. “Reality didn’t hit me for a while. I was full of tubes and drugs for so damn long. The first time I realized how badly everything changed was when I got my cath out and the nurse told me I’d have to sit to take a piss for the rest of my life.”
He watched as Felix’s throat bobbed with a heavy swallow. “They couldn’t, like, plastic surgery that shit?”
Dei laughed in spite of himself. “Yeah, they could. There’s a ton of options. Could’a given myself a monster dick if I wanted.”
Felix’s lips twitched into a tiny smile. “Why didn’t you?”
Dei shrugged and felt a little shy when he answered, but Felix’s question seemed genuine. Like he actually gave a shit instead of wanting to know out of some morbid fascination.
“What I got left down there’s got a lot of sensation. Feels real good, you know? All those nerves bundled in one place. But most of that would go away if they did a reconstructed cock, and I don’t know. Maybe that means no man’s ever gonna want to fuck me again, but it doesn’t seem worth it. I already lost so much. I didn’t want to give up being able to feel something. And I figured I’d eventually find someone who was okay with all the ways my body ain’t the same as it was.”
Felix stared down at his hands. “I think you’re brave. And not in that horrible way people always say it. I haven’t been able to feel like I’m worth the burden that comes with knowing me, and I don’t know how to.”
“Time,” Dei said very softly. He wanted to hurt the people who made Felix doubt himself. “And the love of the people around you.”
“Yeah,” Felix said, looking up with a small laugh. “I do have a lot of that.”
Dei shrugged. “It took me a good, long while to get to where I am. Now, when guys like fuckin’ Clark call me dickless to my face, it’s easy to laugh at him because at least I won’t ever be the piece of shit he is.”
“He called you that?” Felix all but whispered.
Dei shrugged. “He’s called me worse.”
Felix licked his lips, then said, “I wish you’d hit that fucker harder.”
Dei froze, then burst into laughter. “Damn, sugar. You’re vicious.”
“He’s a monster,” Felix said, his tone dark and furious. “Men like him don’t deserve the opportunity to hurt other people.”
Dei felt warm all over. Fuck, he wanted to kiss this man. He reached his hand out, and Felix let him grasp his fingers, and Dei was then helpless to do anything except meet his gaze and kiss his knuckles. His lips pressed long and lingering against Felix’s dry skin.
There was a moment—tense and unsure—but just before Dei could panic like he’d gotten it all wrong, Felix reached out and cupped Dei’s cheek with his free hand.
“I like you.”
“I like you too, darlin’.” Dei couldn’t bring himself to move, but Felix quickly shifted over, pressing together from thigh to knee. He felt waves of both desire and panic rushing through him, and he wasn’t sure which one was going to win.
