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My jaw twitches, bracing myself for what I’m about to say and detesting myself already. “I don’t know what you think you know about me but I can guarantee you, you’re wrong. I feel nothing for you.”
She gasps, facing me again, sadness clouding her features. “I don’t believe you,” she whimpers. Her chin trembles and fresh tears break through her eyes, spilling down her cheeks.
I brush a hand through my hair. “Well you should. We both agreed this would end once it stops being fun for either one of us and I realized it’s no longer fun for me.”
“No…Jax,” her voice trails off as the wound I created gets bigger.
“You knew we were temporary. You knew I never wanted a relationship or any kind of future.”
“But I thought maybe—”
“Maybe I’ll change? I won’t, Lex! I need you to understand that. I never loved you and I never will.”
She lets out a heavy sob, then another, and large tears explode from her eyes as her body rocks from the violent way she cries. Her wails crush all of my defenses. I want to hold her until her tears dry but instead, I sink the knife in deeper.
“You need to know something else. I slept with someone else tonight.”
She inhales sharply, a hand landing against her stomach. “You’re lying,” she stammers, the sobbing making her hyperventilate as more tears pour from the pain in her eyes.
I am, but it’s better you hate me.“I’m not. It’s over between us. I’m sorry for the hurt I caused you because, believe it or not, I care about you but not in the way you want.”
“I don’t believe you, you’re only trying to push me away. Don’t do this.Please!” That one word, the pleading in her voice, it further destroys me and all I want to do is erase the last few moments and make her mine.
This is the hardest thing I ever had to do.I want to stay, baby. I love you.She’s a whisper of a future I never saw coming, and I wish more than anything that I could keep her.
“I’m not lying, Lex. I let it happen. I fucked her in the bathroom of the pub the guys and I went to tonight. I don’t know how else to say it without hurting you more.”
Her shoulders stiffen. “Get out,” she shouts. “Get the fuck out!”
“I’m sorry. You’ve always been too good for me.”You’ll never know how much you meant to me.
“Get the hell out of my apartment, you coward!” she sniffles. “That’s all you fucking are! We both know it! I’m sorry I ever met you, but most of all, what I’m really sorry about is that I ever thought I loved you.” Her bottom lip quivers and I just want to take it all back, but I don’t, standing there silently like a sack of worthless shit.
I never wanted to fall in love with anyone, I couldn't afford to, but somewhere between our yesterdays and our tomorrows, we fell in love. And falling in love with her was easy, it was like jumping into turbulent waters and begging not to drown.
“If I knew how to love you the way you deserve to be loved, I would, but I can’t. Please don’t spill another tear over me. I'm not worth it.” Then I open the door and walk away from the only love I’ll ever know.
CHAPTER21
LEXI
I barely sleptlast night after he left. I cried for hours and hours until I physically couldn’t anymore. It’s as though he carved out my heart and left it exposed on the floor, bleeding out the pain he left me with.
That pain is what I’ll remember most about him. It’s like what he did and everything he said wiped out all the happiness we shared. He stole our future before we even had a chance to create its memories.
I decided to call in sick from work because there was no way I could show up looking like I did this morning. My eyelids are so swollen and I have huge bags under my eyes. I’m nearly unrecognizable.
I hug a pillow close to my body as an ache crawls up my throat again. I did what I vowed to never do again, I let another man hurt me. Why did I allow him in? Why was I so stupid? I knew where he stood on relationships, and still I foolishly thought I could make him better, could erase all that imprisons his mind, but I never even got the opportunity. He broke me before I ever got the chance to save him.
My heart’s been empty for so long, and he found it, bringing it back to life, only to destroy it all over again. Have you ever loved someone who tore your heart into pieces? Because I have. Twice. I clutch the pillow and sob into it, recalling each one of his words, slicing up a fresh cut across my skin. How could he say those things? How could he forget me so easily and fuck someone like I meant nothing? Every time I picture him with some girl, touching her like he touched me, I start crying all over again.He wasn’t yours. You have no right to feel betrayed. Yet, I do. He was mine and I was his, if only for a fleeting moment.
Lilah sent me a text earlier and I couldn’t respond, unsure whether I wanted to spill my agony or let it swallow me whole.
I lift my head off the pillow and vigorously wipe away my tears before picking up my cell and staring at her words.
Lilah: Damian told me Jax broke things off. I’m so sorry. I know you cared for him even though he didn’t deserve it. I’ll hate him with you. I’m here if and when you’re ready to talk.
I decide to text her back. I need my friend.
