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“Fu—sorry. Yes.”
“Maddox, I have five children. You are free to speak however you want to speak in here. There’s no judgment. These are sensitive topics, so don’t censor yourself on my account.”
“Okay.” I shrugged. “Fuck, yes. He’d been caught having affairs numerous times while she was sick. He wasn’t sly. He was sloppy. And thoughtless. He hurt her terribly, and I fucking hate him for that.”
“I can imagine. It was a betrayal to you and Wyle, too. And seeing your mother hurt is not easy on a child, especially while watching her battle a horrible disease.” She paused and tapped her pen against her lips. “Was there ever talk of her entering a facility toward the end? It seems like a very traumatic thing for two teenage boys to be dealing with when your father wasn’t present to support you.”
I scrubbed a hand down my face. This was not my favorite topic. “She wasn’t particularly keen on leaving our house, and with the resources we had, she was able to have the best care money could buy. But I also think my father played a role in that decision, from what I overheard once.”
“What did you hear?” she asked.
“I heard them arguing a few months before she died when he’d graced us all with his presence and then visibly winced when he saw how much she’d deteriorated since he’d last seen her. They were arguing, and she said she didn’t want us to see her like this any longer. I think she knew she was at the end, but she also wanted us with her at the same time, if that makes sense?”
“It does. She wanted every last minute with you. I can understand that. Yet her need to protect you had her discussing other options?”
“Yes. She mentioned going to a hospital, but my father didn’t like that option because it would make things more public. She was very hidden away at our home, as was her illness. I think if people knew how bad it had gotten, they wouldn’t have been too keen on seeing my father out there flaunting his affairs and attending events several days a week while his wife was at home fighting for her life.”
“So, he hired the best nurses and had you and Wyle there with her until the end. It sounds like it was his way of giving her what she wanted, as long as it didn’t involve himself being there.”
“Correct.” I cleared my throat. The lump forming there was making it difficult to talk. I’d never thought about it that way.
“Have you ever asked your father why he wasn’t around?”
“We’ve argued about it many times. The bottom line is, he’s selfish. He didn’t want to be there to see her deteriorate. Her illness was a massive inconvenience in his life. And once she got sick, he had no use for her.”
She nodded. “Do you hold him responsible for her death?”
“In a way, yes. I believe he contributed to her suffering, at the very least,”
I said, moving to my feet because I was antsy. I walked toward the window and stared outside at the falling snow. Cars were driving slowly, and the grassy area next to her office was covered in fresh white snow.
“He also left you and Wyle to deal with it all. Do you resent him for that?”
I let out a long breath. “No. I’m grateful I was with her till the end.”
“But a lot of that responsibility fell on your shoulders, right? You tried to shield Wyle the best you could, and you carried all of that weight. Not typical for a high school kid.”
“We had good nurses. I still had my fair share of fun in high school. The illness took her fairly quickly, and things didn’t get really bad until the very end. So, I was fine.”
“But you were a child. And seeing your mother take her last breath was traumatic, am I right? You were the only one there at that moment.”
“Sure.” I turned around to face her, my hands shoved in my pockets.
“I think all of that trauma and all this anger toward your father is festering inside you, and that’s the reason for the nightmares. But as you talk about it more and let go, you will be able to move forward. But you have to let go of some of this, Maddox.”
“So, I should just forgive my father for what he did to her? And then we can all live a happy life?” My tone had more bite than I meant it to. But why did he just get a pass from everyone? After what he’d done, he didn’t deserve that.
“That’s not what I’m suggesting, Maddox.” She raised a brow, and I made my way back to the couch, sitting back down to face her.
“Okay, let’s hear it.”
Her lips turned up the slightest bit in the corners, and her eyes were full of empathy as she watched me. “I think we need to talk about your anger, and then put it in the right place. Does that make sense?”
I scrubbed a hand down my face. I was fucking exhausted from this conversation. I didn’t like digging all this shit up. “Not really.”
“Fair enough.” She chuckled. “So, your mom’s disease took her life, correct?”
“Yes.” I was trying not to bark at her, but the questions were frustrating me.
