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“Elsie?”Ugh.Hisvoice. “You okay?”
“Yeah. Yeah, I...”Am going to puke.
He cupped my cheek, scanning my face. “Should I call Greg?”
“No nee—” Pain knifed through my head.
“I’m calling Greg.”
“No—don’tcall Greg, please.”
He scowled. “Why?”
“Because—”Because good fake girlfriends are low maintenance. They smile, don’t have strong opinions on cilantro, and never, ever drag you away from a pool party.“Can you—I need to go to the restroom and—my phone—”
A moment later I was in a bathroom that looked like a luxury spa, purse in my lap. And I’d love to say that I don’t remember how I got there, but there’s a floating memory in my head, a memory of strong arms picking me up; of being carried, buoyant as a bird; of warm breath on my temple, murmuring words I cannot recall.
And that, unfortunately, was that. Was Jack kind and helpful? Yup. Did he believe the story I later made up about not wanting to bother Greg with my migraines? Doubtful, considering his skeptical, cold, insistent look. Maybe he suspects I’m on drugs. Maybe he’s afraid I’ll taint the Smith line with my weak headache genes.Surelyhe believes his brother can do better.
But it doesn’t matter. Jack’s not my target—his mother is. Which is good, because I don’t have the faintest idea who the Elsie that Jack wants is.
It’s unprecedented. I’m a pro at picking up cues, but Jack—he gives menothing. I don’t know what to amp up, what to tone down; what to hide and what to fake; what personality to sacrifice at his altar. It’s like he’s trying to puzzle me out without changing me—and that’s impossible. That’s not how people are, not with me.
So when he asks “How have you been, Elsie?” with a tone that feels just a touch too inquisitive, I smile as neutrally as possible.
“The usual. Fantastic.”Not about to collapse on you, for once.“You? How are things at work?” He’s some kind of PE teacher, Greg mentioned. Unsurprising, since he’s built like someone who has a CrossFit decal on his car and drinks protein shakes while readingMen’s Health’s powerlifting column. The other Smiths are lithe, insubstantial brunettes. And then there’s this sandy-haired brick house, a foot taller than his tallest relative, all masculine features and cutting deep voice. My theory: overworked nurse, hospital crib switch-up. “Having a good semester?”
He grunts, noncommittal. “Haven’t murdered any of my students. Yet.”
A surprisingly relatable sentiment. “Sounds like a win.”
“Not to me.”
Shit. He’s making me smile. “Why do you want to murder them?”
“They whine. They don’t read the syllabus.” Syllabi for PE? My gym teacher’s entire curriculum was shame-spiraling us for failing to climb the rope. Education’s making strides. “They lie.”
I swallow. “Lie about what?”
“About several things.” His eyes gleam, and his lips twitch, and his shoulders hulk under his shirt and—
I used to think—no, I used toknowthat light-haired guys weren’t attractive. Middle school? Everyone went after Legolas, but I was an Aragorn girl. “WhichGame of ThronesHouse Are You” BuzzFeed quiz? Never a Targaryen. I hate that I look at Jack Smith, with his good jaw and his good dimples and those good hands, and find him handsome.
Maybe I just won’t look. Yes, excellent plan.
“Excuse me,” I say politely. “I bet Greg’s looking for me.” I turn before he can reply, immediately feeling like I managed to free myself from a gravitational singularity.
Phew.
The living room’s a couple of twists and turns away, large but crowded, pretty despite the overabundance of naval paintings andaggressive leather furniture. I spend a few minutes reassuring Greg’s aunt that we’ll consult her before choosing a caterer for the wedding; pretending not to notice Uncle Paul licking his lips at me; amiably chatting with an assortment of cousins about the weather, traffic, and badTwilighttakes. The birthday girl is opening presents by the fireplace, telling one of her daughters-in-law, “A coupon for a mud bath? Lovely. It’ll feel like practice for when I’m lowered in my grave and you all fight over my money.”
It’s on brand: the first time I met Millicent Smith, she put both hands on my shoulders and told me, “Having kids was the worst mistake of my life.” Her eldest son was standing right next to her. I have yet to ascertain whether she is a malevolent hag or just unintentionally cruel. Either way, she’s my favorite Smith character.
I wander away with a smile, winding up at the half-played Go board in the corner of the room. It’s been here ever since my first visit, the wooden squares and porcelain stones incongruous amid the coastal decor. Greg is chatting with his dad, and I wonder if we’ll leave soon. I have thirty-three Vibrations, Waves, and Optics essays to grade, which will surely have me wishing for a violent death. A Fundamentals of Materials Science Scantron exam to write. And, of course, a job talk to prepare. I want—no, Ineedto nail it. There’s no margin of error, since it’s my way out of spending my nights fake dating and my days exchanging emails with [email protected] about whether his chinchilla’s gluten allergy should release him from the Physics 101 midterm. I’ll have to rehearse it a minimum of eleven times—i.e., the number of dimensions according to M-theory, my favorite über-string version—
“Do you play?”
I startle.Again.Jack stands on the other side of the board, darkeyes studying me. All his relatives are here—why is he wasting precious family time to pester his brother’s fake girlfriend?
