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“What is it?” I press.
She blinks innocently. “What do you mean?”
“I’m exhausted, Pheebs. Just tell me.”
“I’m just worried, Em,” she whispers. “I’m worried about you out there alone with three—no,fourchildren. How are you gonna stay afloat?”
“I’ll admit I haven’t thought that far ahead. But I’ll manage. I’ve saved a good chunk of the money I earned from the… um… contract.”
“Sure, but c’mon. You know babies aren’t cheap, right?”
“What’s the alternative, Phoebe? I can’t stay. Not with Ben around.”
My eyes flit straight to the empty space where the coffee table used to sit. Phoebe and I cleaned up the glass and shoved the skeleton of the table to the side so none of the kids trip through it. Now, there’s just a pathetic, threadbare rug, a few bloodstains, and one reallybad memory.
“I wish I could help.”
“You’ve done more than enough, believe me.” I point right at her. “Best. Friend. Ever.”
She smiles and bats her eyelashes playfully, then glances out the window again. “Oh! I think they’re gone.”
I jump out of the sofa and rush to see for myself. “Yes. Finally! I’m gonna go get Josh. Then we can carry the girls down to the car.”
Josh is lying on his stomach on his bed with the curtains pulled right. He’s got his chin resting on his crossed arms as he stares at the blank wall in front of him. I stop short, struck by the haunted expression on his face.
“Josh?” He flinches towards me but goes right back to staring at the wall. I walk over to the side of his bed and kneel down beside it. “Honey, I know you went through something really traumatic today. We haven’t properly talked about it.”
He offers me a tiny glance. “I don’t want to leave New York.”
My heart sinks. “Babe, you know why we have to leave.”
“Why can’t you just get custody of us? You’re already our guardian.”
“I know but I’m afraid the system doesn’t work like that. A biological parent will always get precedence over a guardian.”
Josh shakes his head. “That’s not fair! You and Ruslan are more my parents than Dad has ever been.”
That one feels like iced water down my back. “Josh, just… come here.”
I pull him to me and hold him tight while he breaks down. Sometimes, even I forget just how young he is. Just how much he carries on those small shoulders. I’ll bet having Ruslan around made him feel like he could take a break and be a kid for a change. And now, he’s once again hauling the whole world around on his back.
He’s right—it’s not fair.
“I’m so sorry,” I whisper to him. “I’m gonna make it up to you. One day, okay? I promise.” When he finally stops crying, I push him back just enough so that I can see his face. “I know this sucks but right now, we have to make tough decisions. And we have to stick together. You hear me, Josh?”
He nods somberly. “I hear you.”
“Good.” I kiss his forehead. “Let’s go.”
I take Caroline, Phoebe takes Reagan, and Josh holds the apartment door open for us so we can carry them downstairs.
The moment I step out into the street, I feel immediately exposed, as though there’s a hundred pairs of eyes fixed on us right now.
Paranoia, Emma. It’s just paranoia talking.
Except that the last few times I’ve convinced myself of that, I’ve been dead freaking wrong. It wasn’tjust the paranoia talking.
It was either Remmy.
