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“I can say it because it's true. I don't know that I ever want to have kids.”
My mother falls into silence and suddenly I feel awful. Now is definitely not the time to have this conversation, but if we don't have it now, then when? She studies her hands, neatly folded in her lap, and blinks rapidly.
“I had always hoped I'd be a grandmother one day.” Despite the way her words make me feel, I don't think she's trying to manipulate me. This sounds like quiet honesty, and it breaks my heart. “I guess I just thought that eventually you'd find the right person to settle down with and be happy. And maybe start a family of your own.” She sounds almost whimsical as she speaks, but there's a deep sadness in her voice.
She shakes her head and sighs. “I really don't understand you, Moira, but I do love you.”
I feel lightheaded. I haven't heard her say those words since I was a kid. “I love you too, Mom.”
And she looks at me with a mix of sadness and disappointment, and I try to remind myself that this is my life. Her wants have no bearing on my life, any more than mine should have on hers. We are very different people and that's okay.
Still, pangs of guilt and regret send my stomach churning painfully. I wish I could make her happy and be the daughter that she wants me to be, but I can't. I can only be myself. I mean, it's not an absolute knowing there's a chance I'll have kids someday, but at this point I don't think it's for me. Still, I worry about giving her any hope to latch on to in case I don’t ever come around about having kids.
Sure, maybe a specific person will help change my mind. Maybe a good solid relationship will help me not be afraid that someone will just leave, maybe raising kids could be fun and rewarding, though I think it’s more likely to be difficult and frustrating.
I'm still lost in my thoughts when there's a knock at the door and the doctor comes in. He’s tall and thin, with thick framed glasses, a white coat, clipboard in his hand, and a very serious expression on his face that makes my heart sink to my toes.
Oh, no. What's wrong with my mom?
The doctor introduces himself as Doctor Lee and says he has some test results for us.
I glance at my mom and she nods, focused on the doctor. “I have some good news and some bad news,” he says gently. I see my mom tense and I scoot closer to hold her hand. Her fingers feel chilled in mine, and I prepare myself for what’s going to happen next.
“The bad news is that you have a pretty severe iron deficiency. To the point where we're going to have to run some treatment through your IV. The good news is that it is just an iron deficiency and all you have to do is take some supplements and you should be fine.” He smiles kindly at her, and I feel my mom exhale with relief.
“Can it be managed through diet?” I ask. I know Olivia struggles with her iron levels, but she just eats better and that cleared up the issue and she no longer needs iron supplements.
“That is possible, but without knowing why, we can’t really make that call. In follow up appointments you can talk about that.” He nods his head at me. “Great question!”
With that, he turns to my mother. “Did you have any questions?”
She shakes her head.
“Okay, I will order the IV iron and have it ready to go. It was lovely meeting you.” With that, the doctor leaves the room and my mother glances up at me.
“Thank you for being here for me.” As she says the words, she gives my hand a little squeeze, and I realize I'd forgotten that we were holding hands.
“Of course, this is where I belong. You feel a little chilled. Do you need a warm blanket?”
“No, thank you.”
And it dawns on me that I do love her. She's not perfect, but it's unfair of me to expect her to be. I love her because she's my mother, and I want to try to make things right between us, if that’s possible.
Michael was right - it’s time to repair this relationship before we run out of time.
Chapter Sixteen
Moira
I ring the doorbell and wait for Michael to answer. I'm nervous and excited to see him at the same time.
My heart slams and my mouth feels oddly dry as I wait for him to open the door. I haven't been able to stop thinking about him due to the fact that he'd been there for me when I needed him the most, that he’d given me the push I needed to talk to my mom, and because he makes me feel amazing. Plus, he’s good in bed, which is an added bonus.
I feel bad that we haven't seen each other more for the last few days, but with my mother in and out of the hospital, I know he’s not upset. He opens up the door and my breath catches in my throat.
He smiles down at me, his light brown eyes warm and inviting. He looks handsome as always in a light blue long-sleeve shirt and dark slacks. He somehow manages to look both casual and sophisticated at the same time. I notice a slight dimple just under the right corner of his lips and I want to kiss that spot.
Of course, I also notice that the sweater fits his powerful, drool-worthy body like a glove.
