Page 94 of All That We Never Were

“Axel, if something’s up…”

“I’m fine, Dad. It’s just that the other day, Justin made me realize some things. Things I didn’t like.” I furrowed my brow, discomfited. “Did you ever…feel pushed aside because of my relationship with Douglas?”

My father blinked, surprised. “Your brother told you that?”

“Yeah, more or less.”

“Axel, when you hear something, don’t just take it at face value; dig a little deeper. Words can deceive you; they cover up things. I never felt pushed aside because of your relationship with Douglas. He wasn’t the one who had to chew you out when you were bad, he wasn’t the one who had to punish you. He wasn’t your dad.”

They served me a dish of spaghetti.

“So why did Justin say that?”

“I told you, dig a little deeper…” My father wiped his mouth with his napkin and looked at me before deciding to speak. “Maybe he hasn’t absorbed the fact that you view Oliver as a brother, your real brother. You’ve said that more than once.”

“Shit, I didn’t…I didn’t mean that…” Or did I? I shook my head.

I remembered Justin’s grimace the other day when he told me he had things to do and went into the kitchen. And how much he seemed to care when I supported him over my parents the month before. His failed attempts to get close to me and how I made fun of him for it. It was never on purpose; some relationships just start to have a certain pattern as the years pass.

“I love that tight-ass bastard,” I said.

“I know, son, I know. Let me try your spaghetti.” He reached out and stuck some of it with his fork.

“Dad, can I ask you a question?”

“Depends on whether or not it’s sexual.”

“Fuck! I don’t even want to imagine.”

“Good, because I don’t know if you could take it. Truth be told, your mom’s a firecracker.”

“I’m begging you, don’t say another word.”

“My lips are sealed. What do you want to know?”

“Why do you put up with her?”

My father gave me a grave look. “Axel, your mother is having a very hard time. When something like that happens, something unexpected, it’s like dominoes, understand? One falls. Or in this case, two. And that provokes a chain reaction, sometimes a big one.”

“Why doesn’t she talk to anyone?”

“She does. To me. Every night.”

I nodded, distracted, and looked down at my food. “You love her…” I whispered. It wasn’t a question.

“You boys and she are my world.”

There was a hint of pride in my father’s voice that I didn’t understand because I didn’t know the feeling, having a family of your own, with your rules, your traditions, choosing the person you want to spend the rest of your life with, good years, bad years, and hard years. Watching your children grow up, growing old… All of it seemed so strange to me, maybe because I’d never imagined it for myself.

But I had considered lots of things that my father overlooked, because you never understand a situation from the inside the same way as from without.

I tapped my fingers on the table. “I think I know how you can help Mom.”

He looked at me with interest, but I shook my head and said I’d tell him soon. Dad nodded, agreeable as ever, and we finished eating and talked about a little bit of everything. I looked at the braided leather bracelets on his right wrist, the kind you buy at a craft stall and the surfers in the area wore.

“Looking good,” I said, trying not to laugh.

“They’re sweet. You want one?”

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