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I had a knot in my throat and couldn’t stop looking at him. “Depends on what your intentions would have been.”
“You know they’re always bad, babe.”
“Sometimes bad things are worth it.”
A muscle tensed in his jaw and he let me go. He slid his hand under the table and then rested it on the back of his chair.
We got up soon afterward and took away our trays. We walked a bit more of the campus and then took a stroll through South Bank. We walked by the river, leaving Victoria Bridge behind, arriving at GOMA, the biggest modern art gallery in Australia. The building was designed to harmonize landscape and architecture, taking advantage of the nearness to the river. It was spectacular.
I don’t know how many hours we spent inside, but they flew by. I looked at each work, admiring them, noticing the colors, the textures, and the volumes, every tiny detail. Axel would disappear or I’d find him sitting in a gallery further off, pensive, patient. He didn’t rush me. Finally, I told him that was enough for the day and that it was time to go.
We walked back to the car. Once inside, he rested his hands on the wheel. “You feel like a drive, or you want to go home now?”
“What are you proposing?”
“Just going with the flow.”
“Nothing bad can come of that, right?”
“I hope not,” he whispered.
His eyes roved my face and then got stuck on my lips. My pulse started rocketing. He shook his head and started the car. I thought of something I had read some time back in an article about words that express concepts our own language doesn’t contain. Mamihlapinatapai means, in Yaghan, “a look between two people, each of whom expects the other to undertake an action that both want, but that neither is ready to perform.”
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Axel
I drove in silence through that city I knew so well where I’d had so many experiences. Memories washed over me. Oliver was in all of them, the best friend I could ever hope for, who never judged the dumb things I did, instead ignoring them or acting like they didn’t matter.
And there I was. With his sister in the passenger seat trying to suppress my desire for her, for more, for the feeling I had when I was beside her.
Night was starting to fall when I stopped in the busy Stanley Street Plaza area, where there was a flea market on the weekends, stands with exclusive and eclectic clothing made by emerging artisans, with handmade jewelry, art, antiques, photos…
A group was playing as Leah and I walked through the streets. She seemed happy to stop at each stall, looking at any knickknack that caught her eye. I was too taken with watching her to think about anything else.
I couldn’t stop asking myself how it was possible that I hadn’t seen her before. Her. The girl she’d become. Or was it…was it that I hadn’t wanted to see her?
“You like?” Leah tried on a ring.
“Yeah, buy it.”
She paid and we walked around awhile longer, until my stomach started growling and we decided to eat. We went to a restaurant that made the best veggie burger in the world.
“It really is good,” she admitted as she chewed.
“Of course it is. Now tell me. What do you think about all this?”
“The university? Brisbane?”
“Yeah. What’s your impression?”
“I’ve always liked it, but…”
“You’re still scared.”
“I can’t help it.”
