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And just then the first chords started. They were weak, soft, but I could have recognized them anywhere in the world: “Here Comes the Sun.” I tensed up instantly. I leaned on my elbow to get up as soon as I could and take the needle out of that groove, but Axel got in my way. I was scared when he put his hands on both sides of my body. I tried to escape, but he hugged me close and stopped me.
“I’m sorry, Leah.”
“Don’t do this to me, Axel. I won’t forgive you.”
The notes rose up and whirled around us.
His hug squeezed me tighter.
I wriggled, trying to get away…
71
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Axel
I held her down on the ground, and I trembled when I saw her that way, so wounded, so broken, as if those feelings were somehow penetrating me, as if I could feel her in my skin. Leah tried to push me away with all her strength as the song seemed to spin around us. A part of me wanted to let her go. The other, the one that thought I was right and I was doing this for her own good, squeezed her hard against my body. I pushed her hair out of her face, and she shook and sobbed.
“It’s over. Relax,” I whispered.
The notes proceeded to the finale and Leah cried her soul out. I had never seen her like that, as if the pain were born inside her and finally emerged.
“Here comes the sun. Here comes the sun.”
I relaxed my embrace when the song was over. Her body continued to tremble beneath mine, and the tears slid down her cheeks. She wiped them off and closed her eyes. I didn’t know how to explain to her that she couldn’t go on hiding away her painful memories instead of confronting them, how to convince her that you could learn from pain and sometimes you had to…
I pulled away and Leah stood up.
I heard the door shut.
I stayed there by myself while the record she hadn’t managed to stop kept spinning. I probably should have gone outside to smoke a cigarette and calm down before going to bed. Or stayed there awhile until I felt sleepy.
But I didn’t.
I got up and went to her room. I entered without knocking. Leah was in her bed, balled up beneath the tangled sheets, and I went over and slid in beside her. Her soft sweet scent rattled me. I ignored my common sense, wrapping a hand around her waist. I squeezed her against me, hating that her back was turned and she wouldn’t let me see her.
“I’m sorry, babe.”
She started crying again. Fainter now.
My hand remained on her stomach and her outspread hair tickled my face. I just wanted her to stop crying, but at the same time, I wanted her to keep on, to let it all out…
I remained next to her in the darkness until she calmed down. When her breathing settled, I knew she was asleep and thought I should let her go and leave. I thought about it…but I didn’t do it. I remained by her side, awake for what seemed like hours, and I must have fallen asleep at some point too, because when I opened my eyes, the daylight was pouring in through the little window.
Leah was holding me. Her legs were intertwined with mine, and her hands were on my chest. My heart skipped a beat. I looked at her, asleep in my arms. I gazed at each detail of her peaceful face, the round cheeks and the freckles softened by the sun on her button nose.
I could feel a knot in my stomach.
All I wanted was to kiss her. That was all. And I was scared because it wasn’t lust. I imagined doing it. Bending over her, brushing her lips, covering them with mine, licking them slowly, savoring them…
Leah shifted as though troubled. She blinked and opened her eyes. She didn’t pull away. She just looked up at me a bit. I held my breath.
“Tell me you don’t hate me.”
“I don’t hate you, Axel.”
I kissed her on the forehead and we remained there in the morning silence, holding each other in bed, her cheek on my chest and my fingers sunk into her hair while I struggled to maintain control.
