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“Come here, babe.”
Then I hugged her.
I hugged her while she sobbed against my chest. I told her to cry, to let it all out, to not swallow her pain. She shared it with me, holding me tight. I closed my eyes and thought how that was one of the realest moments of my life.
68
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Leah
Once at school a girl a few years ahead of me tried to kill herself because some of her classmates were making fun of her, and her ex-best friend started calling her slut in the hallway and writing it on her desk. I remember it hit me, maybe because of her age, maybe because they got all the kids together in the auditorium to tell us what had happened. That day, while the principal talked about respect, camaraderie, and empathy, I heard the girl behind me say it wasn’t such a big deal. I turned and scowled at her. She looked down, she was too scared to face me, and that made me realize that lots of people who spend their time judging others do so to make up for their own insecurities.
Years later I thought about that. About the different ways human beings channel the same realities. There were girls who responded to teasing by flipping the bird or blowing it off. Others cried or tried to be invisible. Some couldn’t handle it and changed schools.
I guess it’s impossible to know how to manage an emotion until it hits you and you’re living it in the flesh. If I had asked myself before, I would have said I was strong, that I would have a normal process of mourning, that I would never be one of those ghosts who barely talks and wanders around with headphones on seeing the world in black and white.
But sometimes we’re wrong. We fall.
Sometimes we don’t know ourselves as well as we think.
Sometimes…sometimes life is so unpredictable…
69
_________
Axel
The first weekend in august, Leah met with some friends to take an evening walk. She asked me if I could run her down to the boardwalk. I stopped in front of the ice cream shop she pointed out and sized up the three guys waiting for her with Blair. Two of them had the acne typical for their age. I watched her get out of the car and walk up the street. I stayed there like an imbecile staring at them until I realized I looked more like a kid than they did, then I pressed the gas hard.
I stopped at my family’s café. Justin greeted me.
“Why the long face?”
“You talking to me?” I muttered.
“No, to the invisible customer who came in behind you. Yes, Axel, I’m talking to you. You look like you’re constipated or something. Everything okay?”
“Yeah. You gonna serve me a coffee?”
“Depends on your tone.”
“Please, Justin.”
“That’s better.”
He walked over to the machine and passed me a coffee a minute later, along with a slice of cheesecake. I grabbed my spoon and brought a bite to my lips.
“Well, look who’s here. Nice to see you, dude.” Dad came out of the kitchen and squeezed my shoulder. “How’s work? Lots of commissions?”
“Don’t ask; he’s in a bad mood,” Justin said.
“You want to shut your mouth for once?”
“Hey, come on now, positive energy.” My father smiled.
He was wearing a shirt that said, I’m a virgin, I swear on my children. I had to struggle not to laugh as he sat on the stool next to me and wrapped an arm around my shoulders.
