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Leah
I had taken a decision, a path.
To turn back. Find myself. Get myself together.
It was a Friday afternoon when I opened the kitchen cabinet and looked through the bags there until I found a heart-shaped sucker. They had been my weakness for years. My father always bought them for me. I took off the wrapper and looked at it slowly, focusing on its intense color. I put it in my mouth and savored the strawberry flavor. I closed my eyes. Then I saw him, Dad, always smiling and in a good mood.
Memories are like that. Sparks. They come when you least expect them. Sssss. The slightly harsh feel against your cheek, so similar to that sweater your grandmother knitted for you from thick wool, with a Christmas design in the middle. Shhhh. That word your father used to address you and you alone, no one else, that Sweetie, give me a good night kiss. Shhhh. The sun. Light. A certain light. The light of midday, of Sundays on the porch at home right after lunch, when it seemed like the beams were lazy and hardly heated you up. Shhhh. The scent of fabric softener, the soft scent of roses, the feeling of bringing clean clothes to your face and inhaling slowly. Shhhh. The hoarse sound of familiar laughter. Sssss. An entire life in images, textures, scents, and flavors passes before your eyes in a second.
63
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Leah
I readied my suitcase on Saturday afternoon to have it ready when Oliver came to pick me up the next day. When I finished, I put on the clothes I had left out, a peach dress and flat sandals with brown straps. I grabbed a matching bag and walked out. Axel was in the living room. He was wearing jeans and a ridiculous-looking shirt that would have looked awful on any other guy, but simply made him stand out more.
His eyes traveled over me, and I shivered.
“I see you’re ready. Let’s go.”
Axel had said we should go out for dinner and walk around for once. It was all I could do not to jump for joy and throw myself in his arms, but I managed it. Because he had asked me to. Begged me, actually. I couldn’t get out of my head his whispering to me that it couldn’t be, and I wanted to shout to him that it wasn’t true, but I couldn’t bear the idea of us being upset and distant with each other again. I accepted that he had admitted there was something there, even if that made things harder.
We went to a nearby town, twenty minutes away by car, and had dinner at a restaurant Axel liked that served vegetarian dishes of all kinds. We ordered a few things to pick at and then chose a few more dishes to share. He looked at me as he chewed.
He was so handsome under that orange light.
And I was so fucking hooked on him…
“I was thinking one day we could go to Brisbane.”
“What for?” I took a sip of water.
“I don’t know, just to go around, check some places out, see the university, maybe.”
I put aside my glass and a silence enveloped us. “I don’t even know if I want to go.”
“Why not? Spit it out.”
“I…I’ve just got the feeling I’m starting to breathe again. And I’m terrified of drowning, of being there all alone and having to meet new people. I don’t know if I can. A year ago, that was my life’s dream, but now…I’m scared.”
“But fear isn’t a bad thing, Leah.”
“I don’t want to talk about this today.”
Axel leaned back in his chair. “Okay. What do you want to do?”
“Just be normal, for one night. Without thinking about the future. I don’t want to talk about death either, or feelings or anything related to painting.”
He leaned his head to one side without taking his eyes off me.
“Just be here in this instant. Isn’t that what you told me to do a long time ago?”
“Yeah. Let’s go have fun.”
We left some cash on the table and went outside. We walked through poorly lit streets to an area near the coast where most of the cocktail bars were. We picked one with low tables and colored cushions. I ordered a piña colada and Axel a glass of rum.
“I came here a few times with Oliver.”
