Page 5 of All That We Never Were

Oliver and I spent the rest of the night drinking and reminiscing. About that time we called his father because we were drunk on the beach, and instead of picking us up and taking us home, he decided to draw us in his sketchbook while we were laid out, then copied the picture and hung it all over my house and the Joneses’ to remind us of what idiots we’d been. Or another time when we got into trouble in Brisbane buying pot: We smoked until I was completely gone, and then, giggling, I threw the keys to the apartment we were sharing into the sea. Oliver went to look for them fully dressed, high as a kite, while I was on the shore cracking up.

In those days, we promised each other we would always live this way, the way we did in the place where we’d grown up, which was so simple, relaxed, anchored in surfing and counterculture.

I looked at Oliver and held back a sigh before finishing my drink.

“I’m going to go; I don’t want to leave her alone any longer,” he said.

“Okay.” I laughed when I watched him stumble getting up, and he flipped me the bird and tossed a few bills on the table. “We’ll talk tomorrow.”

“We’ll talk,” he responded.

I spent a while there with a group of friends. Gavin talked to us about his new girlfriend, a tourist who had arrived two months back and wound up staying indefinitely. Jake told us three or four times about the design of his new surfboard. Tom just drank and listened to the others. I stopped thinking while the place cleared out in the early morning hours. When the last customer left, I walked around the building, opened the back door, and snuck in.

“Remind me again why I’m so patient.”

Madison smiled, closed the blinds, and came over with a sensual smile on her lips. Her fingers wove through the loops on my jeans, and she pulled me close until our half-open mouths collided.

“Because I make it worth your while,” she purred.

“Refresh my memory.”

I took off her skimpy top. She wasn’t wearing a bra. Madison rubbed against me before unbuttoning my fly and kneeling slowly. When her open mouth took me in, I closed my eyes, leaning my hands on the wall in front of me. I sank my fingers in her hair, trying to get her to go faster, deeper. I was about to come when she stepped back. I put on a rubber. Then I sank inside her against the wall, ramming her, shivering every time I heard her say my name, feeling the moment: the pleasure, the sex, the need. That was everything. And it was perfect.

February

* * *

(SUMMER)

6

_________

Leah

I kept looking at my joined hands while the car drove over the dirt road and the afternoon sun tinted the sky orange. I didn’t want to see it, didn’t want to see the color, or anything else that would bring back the memories and dreams I had left behind.

“Don’t make it hard on Axel; he’s doing us a big favor, you realize that, right, Leah? And eat. Try to be good, okay? Tell me what you’re up to.”

“I’m trying,” I answered.

He went on talking until he braked in front of a property surrounded by palm trees and wild brush growing untamed. I’d only been to Axel’s place a few times, and everything struck me as different. I was different. In the past year, he had been the one who dropped in at our apartment now and again to hang out. I closed my eyes when a thought lashed me, the thought that said to me, if this had happened before, the mere thought of sharing the same roof as him would give me butterflies in my stomach and a knot in my throat. Now, however, I felt nothing. That was how it was since the accident, that was the mark it had left in me, the immense, desolate emptiness that made it impossible to build anything because there was nothing to base it on. I just no longer felt anything. And I didn’t want to either. It was better to live like this, lethargic, than with the pain. Sometimes there were highs, some unexpected lightness, as if something were trying to open up inside me, but I managed to control it eventually. It was like being in front of a pile of pizza dough full of lumps and bubbles just before passing the roller over it and flattening it out.

“You ready?” My brother looked at me.

“I guess so.” I shrugged.

7

_________

Axel

I wanted to go back in time just to tell my past self that I was a dumbass for saying this wouldn’t be complicated. It was fucking complicated right from the get-go, when Leah set foot in my house and looked around without much interest. Not that there was much to see. The walls were bare, without a picture in sight, the floors were wood, just like the furniture with its different colors and styles, the living room was separated from the kitchen by a countertop, and, according to my mother, the décor resembled a tiki bar.

As soon as Oliver left, with just enough time to reach the airport, I started feeling uncomfortable. She didn’t seem to notice; she just remained silent, following me while I showed her the guest bedroom.

“Here it is. You can redecorate or…” I closed my mouth before adding, “Or whatever it is girls your age do.” She wasn’t one of those beaming youngsters that run all over Byron Bay with their surfboards on their backs in summer dresses. Leah had left all that behind, as if somehow it connected her to her past. “You need anything?”

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