AllFreeNovel
Share Us
When we were done, I went inside to get a pen and paper.
“This is the plan. We’re going to do things this month. New things. Things that make us feel. The other day I was thinking of all those people who live sort of automatically, without really being aware of what they’re doing; you know the ones I’m talking about?”
Leah nodded slowly.
“Right, so that’s what I was thinking of…and whether it’s possible to forget how to be happy, to look back one day and realize you’ve been dissatisfied for years, empty.”
“It’s possible, I guess.”
“I was thinking about what I would do if that happened to me. What things would make me remember that feeling of fulfillment. And I don’t know, the stuff that popped into my head was so basic. But also weird things. Like eating spaghetti, for example.” She laughed, and I held on to that sound, so vibrant, so alive. “I’m serious; shit, it’s a pleasure. And I regret all those times I finished a plate without really tasting it, because I think now, being aware, I would really enjoy it. Stop laughing, ba…”
I stopped talking and sighed, a little annoyed at not being able to call her babe, the way I had before, ever since she was a child.
“Food. You’re right,” she admitted. She was still smiling as I wrote it down.
“Something you used to do. Dive, for example.”
“I could try it,” she said doubtfully.
“Of course. We’ll do it together one day.”
“Okay.” She breathed deeply.
“Listen to music, breathe, paint, dance without rhythm, or talk to me to reinforce the idea that I am the most incredible person you’ve ever known,” I joked. Leah nudged me softly. “Walk barefoot and feel it. See the dawn…” I paused. “But none of this has a point if you don’t feel it, Leah.”
“I understand…”
“But…”
“It’s going to be hard.”
“Tell me what makes you most afraid.”
“I don’t know.”
I held her chin between my fingers so she’d have to look at me, because I was starting to know those new layers covering what had been there before. I knew when she was lying, when her pulse was racing, when she couldn’t breathe. “Don’t hide from me. Don’t do that, please.”
“What if it doesn’t work? What if I can’t be happy again and I’m like this for the rest of my life, all empty and dull? I don’t like it, but I don’t like the other way either, just acting like nothing ever happened, because it did happen, it happened to me, Axel, and it’s still there, but I am incapable of paying attention to it because when I do it hurts. It hurts too much, I can’t control it, and that makes me feel bad, makes me feel guilty for being so weak, for not accepting it the way other people accept worse things, even more fucked-up things. So everything is like a spiral and I’m walking in circles and I can’t find the way to get out, to…breathe.”
“Damn, Leah.”
“You asked me to be sincere.”
She didn’t cry, but it was worse. Because I saw her crying inside, biting her lower lip, holding on, holding on…
“Live me,” I whispered without thinking.
“What?” She blinked, still trembling.
“Just live me. Let yourself go. Come on.”
I held out my hand. Leah took it. I pulled her up.
43
_________
Leah
