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“Jesus Christ, Leah, are you serious?”
“I wasn’t myself,” I said defensively.
Blair’s face softened and her eyes filled with tenderness. She stretched out a hand and laid it on mine before hugging me and warming me up inside, as if from that contact emanated memories, the feeling of familiarity, of friendship. “Don’t you see, Leah? You’re more yourself than ever. Don’t you remember? You used to always be this way. Visceral. Unpredictable. You would do whatever strange shit popped into your head, you’d drag me along with you, and that…that made me feel so alive. I miss that.”
I got up trembling. “I need to go.”
30
_________
Axel
Lying in bed, she took off her bra and pulled my hand toward her. I fell down on my knees next to her. I stared at her body, stretching out an arm to caress her legs, rising up slowly. Madison opened them so I could touch her, and when I did, she arched her back in reply and moaned.
Then I thought of another pair of breasts, smaller, rounder, different. Fuck. I shook my head to get rid of the image, the memory.
I lay down. Madison climbed onto my body, put a condom on me, and I forgot everything, the rest of the world, anything that wasn’t the two of us moving at the same rhythm, her groans in my ear, the pleasure growing more intense, the need, sex, the moment. Just that.
May
* * *
(AUTUMN)
31
_________
Axel
On that occasion, i didn’t wait a few days or even hours. As soon as Leah got home, I grabbed her suitcase and took it to her room. She looked at me disconcerted.
“What is this?” she asked.
“We’re going to put things in order. Talk. You know, normal stuff. I’ve been thinking all week about what you said, and I’ve realized I should have understood it earlier. You need to feel. That’s it, isn’t it, Leah?”
“No.” She was scared.
“Let’s go outside.”
Once we were on the porch, she crossed her arms. “I promised you I’d paint.”
“And you will. But that’s not enough. One night, right here, you asked me if you would ever be happy again, remember? And I asked you if you wanted to be, but you couldn’t answer, because you had an anxiety attack. So answer now. Come on.”
She was so blocked, so lost… “I don’t know,” she panted.
“You do know. Look at me.”
“Don’t do this to me, not like this.”
“I already am, Leah.”
“You have no right…”
“But I do. I goddamn well do. I told you, Leah. I told you I wouldn’t stop, even if you did think I was pouring salt in the wound. I told you you’d thank me. And I’m not going to stop; know why? Because I’ve helped you open up. I can tell. I’m not going to allow you to close back up. So answer the question: Do you want to be happy?”
Her lip trembled. Her eyes were molten lava, intense, piercing me, as though she wished to hurt me. I wanted to see her like that forever. Like that. Full of emotions, even if they were bad, even if they were directed at me. I could take that.
