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Leah
Chaos broke out when i stepped into the Nguyen house. The twins leapt at me, grabbing my legs the same way they did with everyone, while their father tried to pull them away and Emily gave me a kiss on the cheek. I managed to make it to the kitchen following Oliver, and Georgia hugged us both as if she hadn’t seen us in years. She mussed Oliver’s hair and pinched his cheek, saying he was so handsome it was a crime to let him roam the streets. Me she swayed softly with, as if she thought she might break me if she squeezed me too tight. I don’t know why, but I felt more excited than I had in weeks. Maybe because it smelled like flour, and I remembered the afternoons she and Mom spent in our kitchen talking and laughing with a glass of white wine in their hands and ingredients all over the counter. Or because my defenses were down.
The idea terrified me. Feeling so much again.…
I went to the living room and sat down on the edge of the sofa wishing I could melt into the wall. I spent a while staring at the little threads sticking out of one side of the carpet, listening to Oliver’s serene, strong voice while he talked with Daniel about a game of Australian football. I liked seeing him with Axel’s father because things returned to how they had always been, animated but also relaxed, as if nothing had changed.
Axel arrived half an hour later. Last, naturally.
He nudged me with his elbow when we sat down to dinner. “You ready for more fun tomorrow?”
“What kind of nonsense is that?” his mother said. “I hope you’re not bothering her with your madcap ideas. Leah needs calm, isn’t that right, dear?”
I nodded and dug around in my food.
“I was kidding, Mom. Pass the potatoes.”
Georgia passed him a bowl from the other side of the table, and the rest of the meal went on as always: Conversations about any and all topics, the twins throwing peas, Axel laughing at them while his brother and Emily reproached them with sour looks. Oliver talking to Daniel about his job in Sydney, me counting the minutes until we could go home so I wouldn’t have to die inside little by little, seeing around me all the things I didn’t know how to appreciate anymore.
It was as if I didn’t remember how to be happy.
Is that something you can learn? Like riding a bike? Keeping your balance, putting your hands on the right place on the handlebars, back straight, eyes looking ahead, feet on the pedals…
More importantly, was that what I wanted?
April
* * *
(AUTUMN)
23
_________
Axel
Leah came back home with her headphones hanging over her shoulders, her eyes shifty and more timid than normal, as if she were afraid I would do something rash, like throw a pajama party or play the tambourine at three in the morning. I could tell she was avoiding me. If I went into the kitchen, she left; if I walked out onto the porch, she went inside. Maybe it shouldn’t have gotten to me, but it did. It damn well did.
“Do I have some kind of contagious disease no one in my family’s told me about because I’m going to die and they want me to spend my last days in peace or something?”
She forced herself not to laugh. “No. Not that I know of.”
There was that little something that was different from the first month. Back then she would have just said no and taken off running. Now, even though that was what she wanted to do, she stayed there before me, defiant.
“Then maybe it would be nice if you stopped avoiding me.”
“I’m not. It’s hard to hang out with you.”
“Hard? We live together,” I reminded her.
“Yeah, but you’re always on the beach or working.”
“I’m here now. So it’s perfect. What do you want us to do?”
“Nothing. I was…I was just going to listen to some music.”
“Good plan. Then you can help me make dinner.”
