Page 20 of All That We Never Were

“Everyone hates the crust,” she responded.

“I love the crust. What’s the point of bread that’s white all over, with nothing to break the monotony? Fuck that. You eat the edges first, then you go for the center.”

I watched a timid smile cross her face before the curtain of blond hair came between us when she bent over to grab a package of spaghetti. Twenty minutes later at the register, I realized Leah was relaxed, as if the clouds always circling around her head had cleared up a little, and I told myself I had to figure out a way to get her out of the house more, pull her away from the apathy that covered her every day. Next month things would change, even if I didn’t yet have a plan.

When we walked outside, we almost tripped over a girl with round brown eyes who had her dark hair in a ponytail on top of her head. She smiled at Leah with a caring look and waved her hands as she spoke.

“What a coincidence! I just called to see if you were okay since you weren’t at school, but then I remembered you don’t have a, uh…”

Leah didn’t react, so I butted in. “A cell phone.”

“Right. My name’s Blair. We already know each other though.”

I didn’t remember her. I’d met several of Leah’s friends when I used to see her out and about surrounded by other girls, going from town to the beach and from the beach to town without a care in the world, laughing like a kid.

“Pleasure. Axel Nguyen.”

“I didn’t sleep well,” Leah managed to say.

“I hear you. Still though, if you’re up for that coffee…”

“She’s up for it,” I said.

Leah tried to kill me with her eyes.

“I came here to pick up some shampoo, but I’m not busy.”

“She isn’t either.” I gave Leah a bit of cash. “Go get a bite to eat together. I’ve got stuff to do. We’ll meet back here in an hour?”

I saw panic swirling in her eyes. A part of me wanted to make it disappear, but the other part…the other part was happy, god damn it. I swallowed my compassion and turned my back on that silent plea her lips didn’t manage to utter.

20

_________

Leah

I was stuck there standing in the middle of the sidewalk while Axel disappeared down the street. I felt my pulse quicken and looked at the ground. There was a leaf just next to Blair’s foot. It was reddish, with little membranes inside it like a skeleton growing under its colorful skin. I looked away as I thought of the tone, of the mix that would produce that color.

“Come in with me for the shampoo, and then we’ll eat something?”

I agreed––how could I not? Axel had made me do it, but it was also impossible not to see the hope in Blair’s eyes. She was always so transparent, even when she tried not to be. So I walked back inside with her to the toiletries section, and then we went to a nearby place that served all kinds of salad and fresh fish.

“So it looks like living with Axel is going well.”

I walked around the table and sat down in front of Blair. “It’s fine. This hasn’t been his best day.”

She looked at me with interest after the waiter took our order and left. I glimpsed the rhythmic shifting of her legs beneath the table and knew she was nervous, unsure how to break the ice, and that only made me feel worse.

“Do you still have…feelings?”

I knew what she meant without her saying another word.

“No.” Because I don’t feel anything anymore, I wanted to add, but I swallowed the words. How far away that time seemed when I spent every day with Blair, pretending to be grown-ups when we were just little girls, talking to her constantly about him, about Axel, about how I loved him, about how special he was, about how when I blew out the candles on my cake on my seventeenth birthday, the thing I wished for was to kiss him someday and know what it would feel like to do it. I took a deep breath, uncomfortable, my throat dry. Then I decided to try and act normal for the next forty-five minutes, or as normal as I could be.

“How’s work?”

She smiled, excited, happy to have something to talk about. “Good, good, but it’s a lot bigger sacrifice than I expected. The kids won’t stay still for a moment. I swear, I had sore muscles the first week. And the parents… Well, basically some of them should have to take a class before they’re allowed to procreate.”

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