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He hugged me. I let him. And I felt it, felt that I had support, a friend, my older brother. I’d had to get down in the mud, all the way up to my neck, to see what was in front of me the whole time. I remembered what I told Leah when we went to Cape Byron about that graffiti I hadn’t managed to see for months. That feeling of missing a chapter of my own life shook me again.
108
_________
Leah
I’d be lying if i said it didn’t hurt. That falling out of love wasn’t hard. That I didn’t spend nights crying until I fell asleep, exhausted. That when something breaks, it doesn’t leave behind a bunch of tiny shards that can’t be put together again. That it wasn’t like feeling Axel’s hand reaching through my skin, grabbing my heart, and tearing it out. Lies. But ironically, the worst thing was losing him. Yeah. The most unbearable thing was knowing that the boy who had been by my side since the day I was born would no longer form part of my life. That I would never again feel that pull in my abdomen when I saw his mischievous smile. That he wouldn’t nudge me during family meals. That he would never see all that I wanted to paint. That there wouldn’t be any more birthday presents, and I wouldn’t hear his hoarse laugh when Oliver told one of those stupid jokes no one else ever got. That he wouldn’t be the love of my life, that unreachable boy who made me melt with one look.
Not anymore.
December
* * *
(SUMMER)
109
_________
Leah
I looked out the window at the landscape we were leaving behind while Oliver drove in silence, and I swallowed the tears when I realized I no longer had anywhere to return to. Byron Bay was no longer our home because there was little to go back to there. The Nguyens had promised they’d visit me at school, that all I had to do was pick up the phone if I needed anything, that it would all work out…but a part of me knew it wouldn’t. There are things that change, and then they’ll never be the same. Similar, maybe. Sure. But not the same. If only life was like a ball of modeling clay, moldable, malleable, something sorrow and disappointment left no marks on.
My brother parked in front of a furniture and décor store when we got to Brisbane, and he grabbed my hand. I trembled from his firm self-assurance.
“Come on, pixie, turn that frown upside down.”
Almost two months had passed since the beginning of November, when I saw Axel for the last time, but it felt like an eternity. I was still sore with my brother for not understanding me, but worse still, because he had been right about a lot of things. Too many. Things that are so ugly you don’t want to see them until somebody forces you to, because for me, Axel had always been perfect. Even with his defects, I had idealized him, put him on a pedestal. I’d looked up at him that way since I was a child, and in the last few days I had not stopped thinking about it, and how maybe not everything about him was clear and pristine, how he also had sharp angles and shadows. I couldn’t get out of my head that phrase he had whispered in my ear that night when he came home, lips red from kissing someone else: “You know what your problem is, Leah? You’re stuck on the surface. You look at a present, and all you see is the shiny wrapping paper, and you don’t think about how there might be something rotten inside.”
“You could help me a little,” Oliver said, peeking into the window of the passenger seat.
“Coming.” I got out of the car.
I grabbed my carry-on bag and he took the two big suitcases. The blue midday sky rested above the streets full of strangers. I couldn’t help but remember how in that same city, Axel had kissed me, truly kissed me, for the first time, without my asking, while we danced to “The Night We Met” before ending up in the bathroom of that bar discovering each other with our hands. I took a deep breath, looked up at the dorm buildings that would be my new home from now on, noticed the furniture store in front of us, and…I felt a need. Like a bolt of lightning.
“Can you…can you wait for me for a moment?”
“Now, Leah? I’m going up,” Oliver replied.
“Okay. I’ll be right there.”
I went inside and walked straight to the counter. I could have strolled through the aisles, which were full of precious furnishings, but I had just seen it in the window and I didn’t have eyes for anything else. I asked the woman who attended to me how much it cost and hesitated when I heard the number, but I followed my impulse, and a minute later, I walked into the building, striking my ribs against the front door. I muffled a groan of pain.
“Are you out of your mind?” My brother appeared.
“No, it’s just… I liked it. A lot.”
“Jesus, Leah. Give me that.”
Oliver grabbed it and carried it to the elevator. We traveled up one floor. A long narrow hallway full of blue doors greeted us. Mine was number 23. Just as I had seen in the photos before we decided to rent it, the room was small, with a bed, a desk, a closet, and a bathroom hardly big enough for two people to squeeze into. But I didn’t mind. I opened the little window to air it out and left my belongings on the wooden table.
“Where should I put this?” Oliver asked.
“There, just lean it against the wall.”
“Might I know why you’ve bought a mirror?” He placed it carefully so it wouldn’t fall, then shook off his hands.
