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Dammit. Why does he have to be so stubborn?
I feel the Jeep come to a stop, feel the slight movement as Audra shifts in the seat in front of me. I open my eyes, watch as she leans over to kiss Matt on the lips. He shakes his head, subtly tells her "no". She ignores him and kisses the side of his mouth before he can turn away from her.
Audra shuts the door and Matt takes off, doesn't even ask if I want to sit in the front seat.
I lean my head back, close my eyes again. Lose myself in the memory of Kyle's body on mine. His golden tan skin. His dark eyes. The soft feel of his grey sheets. The way he kissed me. His hands roaming every inch of my body.
I feel something tap my knee and my head jerks up, pulls me away from my favorite daydream.
Matt's coppery brown eyes come into view. He's mouthing something to me, but I can't understand him. I pull a headphone out of my ear.
"Can you turn that off for a sec?" he requests from the front seat. He keeps driving, adjusts the rear-view mirror to look at me.
"Sure, what's up?" I ask.
"I'm sorry about all the touching and kissing Audra keeps doing," he apologizes for what feels like the millionth time. "I told her to knock it off, but she doesn't seem to listen. Or care."
I chew on the inside of my cheek, wait a moment before saying, "It's because she's in love with you."
He grips the steering wheel tighter, his shoulders lock, the side of his face hardens. "Don't say that."
"The sooner you accept it, the better off you'll be," I tell him. "She's not that bad, Matt. I like her." When she's not trying to suck your face off while I'm in the backseat.
"Doesn't matter. She's not you," he barely mutters loud enough for me to hear.
I don't respond. I look out the window instead, watch as the mounds of snow pass by. A snowstorm blew over the mountain last night and dumped two feet of white powder all over town. Frigid temperatures, icy, slick roads, and the reminder that winter is never quite over, even in May.
Matt turns down our street, fiddles with the radio while sneaking glances back at me. I pretend not to notice. It's easier that way.
When he pulls into his driveway, I let out a relieved sigh, unbuckle my seatbelt and grab my backpack. Matt gets out, pulls his seat forward and offers me his hand. I take it, refuse to look him in the eyes, and hop down onto the concrete.
Every afternoon, he gives me the saddest, most agonizing looks when we part ways. Then, I feel his grieving gaze on my back as I make my way home.
Today, it'll be no different.
When my feet are firmly planted on the ground, I thank Matt for the ride and start heading towards the pathway between our houses.
"Jen," he says as his hand finds mine again. I look down at our twined fingers and frown. "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I...I..."
I look up at him, decide enough is enough. "Just stop, please."
Matt blinks slowly. "What?"
"I can't do this anymore," I say firmly before removing my hand from his. "You have to stop this. The constant apologizing. The sad looks you keep giving me. Begging me to wait for you. I can't do this. It's too much."
I watch his shoulders slump forward, his lower lip tremble, his eyes gloss over with unshed tears. "But I'm in love with you."
I rub the back of my neck, swallow hard. "It's too late. I don't want to be with you, Matt. I don't want to wait for you. And I don't want you to ask me anymore."
A single tear slips down his face as I watch his features fall. "You don't?"
I shake my head, feel my knees wobble beneath me. "And I don't want you to drive me to school anymore. I'm going to drive myself from now on."
He takes a step towards me, but I take a step back. "I need space. You're suffocating me and it's not healthy. For any of us."
"What am I supposed to do?" he tearfully asks me.
"Focus on being a dad?" I shrug. "Be with Audra? Figure things out with her? If you don't want to be with her, maybe tell her? Whatever it is, you have to do it by yourself."
