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"No," he flashes his eyebrows. "I was talking about Mrs. Olsen."
The hot English teacher all the guys drool over.
I throw my head back and laugh. Really laugh. Oh my god. It feels so good to laugh. To be with Kyle, to not have the weight of Matt's messy choices hanging overheard like a gloomy rain cloud.
Matt.
I kissed him, agreed to go on a date with him, and sat on the front porch for over an hour waiting for him. I need to tell Kyle. I owe it to him. And, more importantly, I owe it to myself to be honest—to tell the truth.
He finds a strand of my blond hair, twirls it between his fingers. "What are you thinking about, Jenny?"
I set my hot chocolate down beside me, turn my whole body to face him. I hesitantly slide my hand along his black jeans, rest it on his thigh, revel in the familiarity of his warmth. "I need to tell you something."
He lets go of my hair and wraps his free arm around my back, his hand settling on my hip. He pulls me closer to him while balancing a cup of coffee on his knee. "What is it?"
I glance up, feel my organs liquefy from the gentleness in his eyes. "I kissed Matt."
I'm not sure how I expect him to respond, but he tightens his grip on me, appears unfazed. "When?"
I close my eyes, so incredibly angry with myself. "Saturday night."
He exhales but doesn't let go of me. I want to ask him what he's thinking, why he's still holding onto me, why he isn't furious.
"I think you should also know," I add, my voice small, quiet, my eyes begging for understanding, "that he asked me out on a date. And I was going to go."
"I know," Kyle reveals.
I feel my forehead furrow, my jaw tightens with tension. "Matt told you?"
He shakes his dark head. "I was on the phone with your mom when you asked her where your black dress was." I give him a confused look. Maybe I should be concerned about the amount of time he spends talking to Mom. Before I can jump to an outrageous conclusion, he starts explaining, "I need a business loan and I don't have enough depth of credit to get approved for the amount I'm needing. Your mom offered to help. She has a loan officer friend in Colorado Springs. We were on a conference call."
"Oh."
"I appreciate you being honest with me." He puts down his coffee, wraps his other arm around me. I'm shocked when he kisses my forehead, lets his lips linger on my skin. When he pulls his head back, there's an indecipherable look on his face.
I feel my heart crumple in my chest at the words he says next. "You need to figure out what you want, Jenny. If it's Matt, I can respect that."
What?
How could he possibly think I'd choose Matt over him?
Maybe I shouldn't have let Matt kiss me. That would have been a good start.
I need Kyle to understand, really understand, why I did it.
"I know this is going to sound so horrible," I lean into him, grateful he doesn't push me away, "but I only did those things because I thought you were sleeping with someone else. I didn't expect it to hurt as much as it did, thinking about you with another girl. I just...I shouldn't have kissed him. I'm sorry."
Kyle chews on his bottom lip. "I think you still have feelings for Matt, and you need to figure them out before we move forward."
I feel the heaviness overtake me, the reality of the situation weighing down on me.
"I don't want him," I say, my voice panicky, rushed. "I want you." Why can't you see that, you idiot?
Kyle's fingers find my cheek, gently slide into my hair. He tries hard not to, but I see him frown. "I want you to be sure."
I am sure!
So undeniably sure.
