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He cradles his head in his hands while I give myself a moment to think.
A moment to breathe.
To process how I feel.
Which, if I'm being totally honest, is all over the place at the moment.
The summer before 7th grade, when our families were vacationing in St. Petersburg, Matt and I decided to try boogie boarding for the first time. Everything was going great until I wiped out in the choppy surf close to shore. The waves kept pounding down on me and I couldn't figure out how to stand up, how to stop getting tossed to and fro as the clear, blue water pummeled me, never letting me up long enough for air.
I kind of feel like that right now.
And, as I look over at Matt, see the anguish and hopelessness and devastation written all over his face, I know he must feel the same way, too.
"What am I going to do, Jen?" he asks as his voice cracks, and I feel my heart clench in my chest for him.
I take a deep breath, think about the kind of advice he might need, the words that would make him feel better. But all I seem to come up with is, "Everything will be OK."
His head snaps up, his brown eyes shining with unshed tears. "No, it won't."
"You don't know that," I say softly as I look down at my black boots. The boots I wore for our first date. The first date we'll probably never go on now.
"Audra wants us to get married," he shakes his head. "She wants us to raise the baby together. My life is over."
I reach a hand out, carefully lay it on his forearm soaked with salty, wet tears. "It's not over. It's just a...a bump in the road. You can still go to college and play basketball. You'll figure it out."
He rubs a tired hand over his flushed face. "You don't get it. I've never even had a job, Jen. How am I supposed to take care of two other people?"
"Why don't you start with something easier?" I suggest. Mom always says that to me when I feel something is too overwhelming to deal with.
"Like what?" he snaps at me. I try to ignore the anger bubbling in my chest, remind myself his life is never going to be the same, that's why he's overly emotional, irrational.
"Like...making sure Audra gets to her doctor's appointments," I tell him. "And she takes prenatal vitamins." Or whatever it was Nora took when she was pregnant.
"I made one stupid mistake," he huffs, ignoring everything I've just said. "I got drunk at Brad's party because I was so mad at myself for upsetting you. The next thing I know, I'm waking up hungover next to Audra. I swear it only happened that one time. I can't even remember it."
Kyle, I fucked up so bad.
It all makes sense now. He slept with Audra, and he didn't know what to do about it. That's why he wanted Kyle's help.
"She just decided that we're going to be together, raise the baby together, be a family," he continues. "She doesn't even care that I want something else. Someone else."
My heart hurts in my chest. Everything feels heavy and dark.
"You want to know the really shitty part?" he says, barely loud enough for me to hear. "I told her she could just get rid of it because that would make my life easier."
"Matt," I sigh, wishing I could somehow help the situation, but knowing that I can't.
"I know it was a stupid thing to say," he shakes his head, runs his hands through his golden-brown hair. "She just started crying. Told me she could never do that." He pauses, wipes a few tears off his cheeks. "You must think I'm a terrible person."
"I don't think that," I assure him. "I think you panicked. Anyone would freak out in your position."
"She's known for a few weeks and didn't even tell me." His voice is laced with anger, defeat. "She waits until I tell her I don't want to be together."
"Maybe she was scared to tell you," I offer with a shrug.
"I had this whole future planned for us. For you and me," he tells me as he gazes over at me, his face filled with so much sadness and heartache and hurt that I feel my chest might split in two. "After college, we were gonna get married and move into one of those studios on Douglas near your mom's jewelry shop. The ones above the stores you always go on and on about living in. With the old oak steps and the windows that barely open because the wood has expanded so much from the snow and the rain. And we'd stay there for a few years, save up all our money, buy a little house overlooking the valley. Maybe have a few kids. We'd vacation with our parents and still do birthday brunches at Cedar Ridge. I wanted all of that with you. I wanted it so much that I even thought about following you to Boulder when you told me you got in. And now I've fucked it all up. I've fucked up our whole future."
I can't help it when a few tears slip from my eyes. That's the life I wanted, too. Before the boob debacle. Before Audra.
