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I hate this. Hate how much I hate that he doesn't want me. Hate that even though I know he doesn't, I still want him.
"You're right," Matt exhales, frustrated. "I'm sorry. I didn't come here to fight with you."
I motion toward the living room, and he leads the way.
"Why did you come here?" I ask as I follow him, staring at his taut back muscles flexing with each step he takes. His whole body looks rigid and wound up, like he needs to go for a long jog to work out the friction he's carrying in his shoulders and neck.
He walks into the living room and stands by the fireplace, hands still in his pockets. I take a seat on the couch, tuck my feet under me, let my gaze linger on the toned biceps hidden beneath the long sleeves of his grey shirt. He's still devastatingly handsome. Being with Audra hasn't made him any less attractive in my book. And that really annoys me.
"I don't think you should be spending time with Kyle," he gets straight to the point, his eyes refusing to meet mine.
He turns his back to me, starts looking at the family pictures on the mantle. Pictures he's seen a thousand times over the years.
I guess I should have seen this coming.
"Oh," I play dumb. "Why not?"
Matt pulls his hands out of his pockets, rubs the back of his neck. He looks uncomfortable and frustrated, maybe. Normally he's easy to read, but I guess we haven't spent much time together lately because I can’t tell what he's thinking anymore. Can't figure out why he's so hung up on Kyle and me spending time together.
Matt turns around, strides over to the couch and sits down beside me. He looks at me, really looks at me, his brown eyes with their flecks of golden honey boring into mine. "He's just using you, Jen."
I should be insulted, should tell him to leave. But he looks so lost and worried and desperate. I can't do it. I couldn't send him away, even if I wanted to.
"How?" I ask.
"Come on, Jen," Matt rolls his eyes. "He's just trying to get in your pants."
I chew on my bottom lip, try to hold back the angry words threatening to spew from my mouth. "And why do you think that? Because he's helping me get my driver's license? Because he bought me a burger after I helped move his friend into her apartment? A friend he's sleeping with."
Matt's cheeks turn a bright shade of red. He's angry and embarrassed. Which seems kind of odd since we're supposedly just friends.
Why does he care so much?
"I just know he is," he tiredly reinforces. "He's doing it to piss me off."
"How would sleeping with me piss you off?" I respond. "It's not like you have feelings for me or you want to sleep with me."
"I...you...Jen," he fumbles over his words, running a hand through his brown hair. "I just don't want to see you get hurt."
I wrap my arms around my chest. "I'm already hurt."
He winces as the words leave my mouth. Maybe I shouldn't have been so blunt, but I don't want to pretend that I'm fine when I'm not. Not around him, at least.
Because I am hurt.
But Kyle makes the hurt feel...less painful somehow.
"I'm not trying to make you feel bad," I say quietly. "But Kyle is a really good driving instructor and I need the help. Plus, you've been busy with Audra and he's been a good support system for me while I wait to hear from Boulder."
Matt falls back into the cushions, defeated. "I forgot about Boulder. No word yet?"
I shake my head, study the way Matt seems to be mulling over something in his head. His eyes shift down as he plays with the black fabric on his knee.
"Has he touched you?" he asks. "Like how I touched you?"
"No," I quickly answer, shaking my head, wondering why it even matters. I mean, Kyle has touched me, but it's been...different. Slower. Gentler. More sensual. I don't know if that's even fair to say. Matt really didn't know what he was doing, but Kyle knows. He knows right where to touch and tease and kiss me to make my body spark and ignite and burn. And I don't even have to take my top off.
Matt searches my face, almost as if he's looking for any sign of dishonesty. I do my best to hide the truth, force my face into a look of indifference.
