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Carefully, I finger the corner of the paper, slide it out of its hiding spot.
It's an envelope with Jenny sprawled across it in his handwriting.
I rip it open. Inside is a folded sheet of notebook paper, it's edge frayed and torn like he ripped it as hard as he could out of his binder.
I should open it. Read the words he left for me. But I'm afraid to. I'm afraid to see what it says.
Mom calls me from the kitchen.
I turn to face her, the sweatshirt and paper still clutched in my grasp. She sees them both, wipes her hands on a dishtowel before rushing over to me.
"What is it?"
"He left me this. I don't know if I can read it," I tell her.
She nods her head. "Do you want my advice?"
"Yes."
She motions towards the couch. We both take a seat as I set the sweatshirt and folded paper down on the coffee table.
"Life doesn't always go the way we want it to," she starts. I take a deep breath, feel something stabbing my chest as I do. "We can love people with our whole hearts, and they can still choose to walk away from us. That's the price we pay for loving people. Giving them the power to hurt us. Sometimes people leave by choice, like Kyle. Other times, they leave because of circumstance, like Diane. At some point, everyone inevitably leaves, and we have to live in this world without them. But that shouldn't stop you from giving people your love anyway.
"That paper may tell you everything you need to know about why he left. It may have all the answers you're seeking. Or it could leave you with more questions. Whatever it says, you have to remember that him leaving does not mean that you're unworthy or unimportant. It doesn't mean there's something inherently wrong with you. There is nothing wrong with you. You are phenomenal," Mom cries, tears like fat raindrops dripping steadily from her hazel eyes. "I know you're my daughter and you think I'm just saying that, but I'm not. You are so wonderful, Jenny, and I am so proud of the woman you've become. You could have let all the things you've been through over the past year make you bitter, but you've let it make you better. Don't let him take that from you. Let him go with as much love and grace as you can."
"What if I don't want to let him go?" I ask her.
Mom licks her dry lips. "Sometimes that's a choice you don't get to make."
She leans forward and kisses my forehead before standing and leaving me alone with all I have left of Kyle.
This is what he left me.
I grab the paper off the table, take a deep breath before I flip it open.
I love you. And I'm so sorry.
-K
Chapter 60
My foot jiggles restlessly as I wait impatiently. Everything is bright and white. Hard surfaces. Sterile. Not even a plant in the corner to add a homey touch.
Alone.
I'm alone. I've been alone for weeks. Trying to figure things out. Trying to move one foot in front of the other. Trying not to drown in the heartache. The torment, grief, agony.
Easier said than done.
I wipe a stray tear from my eye and square my shoulders. I'm about to make a huge life decision and I can't be thinking about him. Not now. Now when he abandoned me.
I hear the door open, and I turn. In walks a mousy, middle-aged woman, black-rimmed glasses, her auburn hair hanging limply down her back, file folder tucked under her arm.
"Sorry for your wait," she offers in a nasally voice as she takes a seat across from me.
I clear my throat. "It's fine."
"What brings you in here today Miss..." she looks at the file folder in front of her, "Kearns?"
