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He slowly stands, his knee letting out a terrible cracking sound in the process. I scrunch my eyebrows together in concern. "You OK?"
Dad chuckles and wipes his hands on his jean shorts. Even in the middle of a blizzard, you'll still find him in his usual T-shirt and jean shorts combo.
"Just getting older," he reminds me. "What's this about you not having a driver's license?"
"I need one. Mom won't let me practice in her car and I need practice," I explain. "I also need a car."
"What's wrong with Danny's old truck?" he questions and motions towards the 20 year-old baby blue Ford truck on the other side of the garage.
"Dad." My eyes widen in disgust. "There's a sticker on the back that says, 'Jeeps are cute. That's why Barbie drives them'. And don't even get me started on the massive male anatomy part hanging from the hitch."
He scratches his salt-and-pepper head. "Back in my day, we were just happy to have something to drive."
I exhale a defeated breath. "It's fine, Dad. I'll just...spend every cent I have paying people to give me rides. Maybe I'll even become a stripper. I hear they make decent money."
I stride out of the garage while Dad hollers after me. I ignore him and walk briskly away. When I reach the end of the long driveway, I take a right and keep going. I don't know where I'm headed, but the cold mountain air feels good, propels me forward.
My restless legs carry me over a few blocks, towards the center of town. The one place Matt will definitely not be tonight. No, he'll be a few miles in the opposite direction. At Brad's lame party.
Matt. Just thinking about him is exhausting.
I just feel...so much. Too much.
I'm in pain. Physical pain.
I realize I haven't felt this much...agony before. Everything aches. Even my bones.
I'm not sure if the stabbing feeling in my chest is from the anger coursing through me right now, threatening to obliterate me. Or the fresh air hitting the rips and slashes and tears in my heart that refuse heal. Why won't they start healing?
What hurts the most is that I wanted it. I wanted him. Our bare skin touching. Our lips molding and melding together. The highs and lows that were sure to follow. I wanted it all. And even though he bet me, I willingly pulled off the clothes that exposed myself to him. I put myself out there, never once imagining that he wouldn't want me. But he didn't.
He doesn't.
He wants something else.
Someone else.
And now I'm left wondering why I didn't see it. Why I couldn't see that he really didn't want me.
Maybe it was the way he held my hand as we walked out of the gym. Or the dark look that shadowed his face when he took in the view of my naked chest. Or the spontaneous kiss that made it very clear he liked what we were doing in his jeep. I know he did. I just don't know why he suddenly stopped wanting me minutes later.
What went wrong? Was I too willing? Not willing enough? Did he find me repulsive? Or just decided that after having a taste of me, he didn't want what else I had to offer...
I guess I don't have as much to offer as Audra. Why would he choose me when he could have her? She's smart and pretty and going places, just like him. I think I heard she got into, like, Pepperdine or something. Which isn't far from UCLA.
I'll be a thousand miles away, possibly at Boulder if I ever get my acceptance letter. It just doesn't make sense, does it? Guys like Matt don't fall in love with girls like me. I can't even pass my stupid driving test. Never even heard of anyone failing as many times as I have.
Ugh.
I just...I just wish I had known. Known it would all be over before it even had a chance to begin. I wish I could go back to Saturday. Relive those five minutes just once. I didn't have time to process everything. The taste of his mouth. The pressure of his hands on me. I can barely remember the feel of his lips on mine. I was in too much shock to memorize the way they eventually moved against mine after a few sloppy, messy tries.
I hear a car horn, feel myself snap out of the patchy memory. When I look up, I see Kyle in his stupid black car.
The passenger window is rolled down and he's leaning over the seat, watching me.
"What do you want?" I snap. "I'm not in the mood for your games right now."
Kyle rolls the window up and starts to take off. Except he doesn't leave, he just pulls up to the curb in front of some stranger's house and steps out of the car twenty feet in front of me. He opens the trunk and pulls out two sweatshirts with CU Boulder logos on them, tosses one at me.
