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But we can't.
He holds onto me like he's afraid to let go, afraid I'll get hurt again. I wish I could ease his fear. I just don't know how to.
My hand is tucked in his as he walks me down the hallway. We hear Dad mumbling from the living room, trying to get comfortable on the couch. He's bitching about the Rockies losing and how his feet are hanging off the armchair. I know it's not funny, but the sound of him complaining makes me smile. He's going to be so grumpy on the plane tomorrow.
Kyle kisses me swiftly once we reach Mom's door. "Audra's still in the room with Matt so I'm going to crash in your bed. Come get me if you need me."
I kiss his lips one last time before I open Mom's door and step inside.
"I love you," he whispers in the dark and my heart melts in my chest.
"I love you more," I whisper back.
"Not possible," he responds as his fingers squeeze mine. Then he's sauntering down the hallway, leaving me with the heaviness of our situation rotting in my stomach.
I climb into bed with Mom and lay on my back. There's a nightlight in the adjoining bathroom and it fills a portion of the room in muted orange tones.
"Did I ever tell you about the first time I saw your dad?" Mom shifts beside me, rolls onto her side.
"Yes," I nod my head. "At least a thousand times over the last 18 years."
"But I've never told you the whole story," she reveals. "He was married when I met him. Danny and Tommy were six and four, I think. They were just little guys. Your dad wasn't the only one attached. I had been dating this guy for the past three years. We lived together. We even had a joint bank account."
"Are you trying to tell me that guy is my real dad?" I joke.
Mom playfully pulls the covers over my head. "I'm trying to tell you a story here. Can't you just listen?"
"Fine," I snort as I throw the covers off me. "I'll be quiet so you can tell me this story again."
"The first time I saw your dad, he was wearing blue jeans and a grey baseball cap. He was so hot." I groan in disgust as she continues. "When we met, I worked for a builder and the roofing company your dad worked for was one of our vendors."
"Wait," I interrupt. "You haven't sold jewelry your whole life?" How did I not know this?
"No, I used to sell homes," she reveals. "New builds. Anyway, that's not the point. Your dad and I became friends. I'd stop by the office, check in on projects and, if he was in the office, we'd have lunch. It was strictly platonic. I respected the fact that he was married, and he had a family. With all that being said, I was in love with him.
"We'd been friends for about two years when things changed. I was 27 then. Your dad was going through a rough patch in his marriage. Jody, Danny and Tommy's mom, had cheated on him. She wanted him to move out; he wanted to work things out. We were eating lunch at this tiny, hole-in-the-wall Mexican restaurant that had the best tacos and your dad broke down in tears. He felt like he failed, and he had nowhere to go. I hadn't told him, but I had broken up with my boyfriend a few months prior. It just seemed silly to be with someone I didn't want to marry. Every time I pictured my future, I only saw your dad."
"That's kind of creepy," I interject. "He was married."
"Hey," she scoffs, "I didn't act on it. Ever. Until after the divorce was final."
"Fine," I exhale. "Continue."
"It was hard to watch him break down like that and set my feelings for him aside. I did, though, and decided that I would do anything I could to help him get his family back. He didn't want to leave them or live apart from them. He had already forgiven Jody. I think I fell even more in love with him that day. I loved his devotion and selflessness, especially when it comes to the people he loves."
"What's the point of this story?" I interrupt with a yawn. My eyes are getting heavy, and my body is sinking deeper into the plush mattress.
"When Kyle came to find me," she pauses, places her hand over her heart, "he was crying, Jenny."
A lump forms in my throat as I prop myself up on my elbows. "Why?"
"He didn't say why," she sniffles, "but when he looked at you and then he told me his mom hurt you, I know he was crying because he loves you. The way I love your dad." There's a long pause as she wipes the tears from her cheeks. "I'm sorry for the way I attacked you both. I didn't understand how much he loved you until tonight."
I scoot closer to Mom and wrap my arm around her neck. "You're forgiven."
Mom chuckles and a few hot tears fall off her cheek and onto mine. "I was out of line and I'm so sorry for all the horrible things I said. Especially to you. I don't know why I said them. I just didn't want you to end up hurt."
"I already told you that you're forgiven," I reiterate. "I guess you're lucky I got dad's selflessness."
