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“A reaction?”
My neck went incredibly warm. “You know.”
“I’m not sure—oh…oh, I see.” Her mouth twitched and she shook her head, smiling. “You want to know if that makes you a bad person?”
“I stayed awake the entire night, running it through my head like a fucking movie.”
There was a long silence and I started wishing I hadn’t said anything. She released a heavy sigh and turned to me, putting a hand on my upper arm.
“You’re not going to like what I have to say,” she said. “But here goes. You’re a man in your prime, Merrick, and she’s a grown woman. I’m sure she’s thought about you like that before.”
I shook my head. “Clara and I aren’t like that.”
“Oh, I wouldn’t be so quick to assume.”
She was wrong, of course she was. Clara was innocent, physically as well as mentally it turned out, and she wasn’t thinking of her guardian like that. My throat tightened and I released a heavy sigh.
“I…I don’t know what to do now,” I admitted. “I think I might be attracted to her, but it could also be that…well, I haven’t been having sex. For a while.”
“Do you love her?”
A shock moved through my chest, unsettling me to my core.
“I love her in a platonic way,” I said. “But nothing else.”
She didn’t believe me, I could see it in the sharp twist of her mouth.
“Does it hurt to look at her?”
She laid her worn hand on my chest, right over my heart. It was comforting and my throat tightened even more. I let my eyes drop to the floorboards of the porch. Ones that I’d run over a hundred times in my bare feet as a little boy.
“Does what hurt?”
She patted my chest. “Does it hurt here when you think about her?”
I swallowed with difficulty.
“Sometimes. But I don’t fucking know why.”
She heard the catch in my throat and she hugged me, nestling her head against my chest. For a fleeting moment I wished I was young again and my aunts could just handle all of my problems.
But I was a man, molded by fire. Hardened by steel.
I kissed her head and untangled myself just as Ophelia emerged with a basket of jam for Clara. I accepted it and waved goodbye and disappeared down the driveway.
Still just as confused as before.
That night, I took Clara out to dinner at our favorite restaurant in downtown Providence. She was talkative, telling me how Osian wanted to take her out to see a movie at the historic theater next week.
Then she told me a salacious story about how she’d caught Candice making out with Yale in the back of his car. Parked out in the street and everything.
Could I believe it? Candice was just in denial, wasn’t she?
I was quiet, watching her in the soft candlelight. In the distance, the river lapped at the shoreline and all around us people chatted among themselves. A night bird wailed. A ship sent the hollow echo of its horn over the water.
Life moved on. Oblivious to how an accidental touch had thrown my entire world off balance.
Across the table, Clara glittered in a pink sweatshirt and black leggings, dressed down for our outdoor dinner. As always, her makeup was done and tonight she wore that shade of lipstick somewhere between red and dark pink.
