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“I see.”
Gretchen scribbled something in her notebook and took a deep breath. Like she always did when she prepared herself for dropping a bomb on me.
“You’re a fixer, Merrick,” she said. “You always have been. You feel guilty that you had such a positive experience with Edwin while, unbeknownst to you, he was hurting someone you care deeply for. You are trying to fix this for Clara and you have been for a long time.”
“I’ve only ever tried to treat her the way she deserves.”
“By giving her everything her father never did.”
I winced.
“Clara actually seems like she’s dealing with her trauma remarkably well. In her mind, as far as I can tell, Edwin is dead and buried. What’s done is done and she’s just trying to heal from it.”
I cleared my throat. “I think that’s an accurate assessment.”
“So why can’t you let him go?”
There was a long silence as I thought it over carefully. Gretchen poured herself more tea and fixed her eyes back on me. Not letting me off the hook.
“Because I was so confident I knew him,” I said. “Because…I knew Edwin had a daughter and I never bothered to meet her until he was dead. Because…I could have intervened, talked to him. Instead, I just let her get hurt.”
“Hindsight is twenty-twenty,” she said. “And you, Merrick, despite being the Welsh King, are only human.”
She was right. Of course she was. That was why I paid her an enormous amount of money.
“But...why did she call me daddy?”
Gretchen tilted her head. “Because you are a powerful, older man who takes care of her and makes her feel safe. I have some serious doubts that she mentally associates that word with Edwin.”
That was a whole new perspective I hadn’t considered.
“That…actually makes a lot of sense.”
“I always do.” She stood up. “I think Clara has a need for a man who provides her those things, but she’s not looking for a father. She just wants an older man who makes her feel safe, who won’t hurt her or let her down.”
“I can give her that.”
“You already do.”
The ache in my chest eased. Gretchen released a deep sigh and ran a hand over her hair, tucking it behind her ears.
“Merrick,” she said carefully. “I know you’ve considered Edwin to be the person who saved you when you were at rock bottom and who kept you going. But what if that wasn’t true?”
I felt my brow crease. “What?”
“Well, Edwin passed away during the span of time while you were seeing me and I can attest that you didn’t fall apart. It might be time to think back and see if maybe Edwin didn’t save you.”
There was only one other person who could have saved me, but I wasn’t allowed to talk about them to Gretchen. Everything would have been so much simpler if I wasn’t carrying so many secrets.
“Who saved me then?”
“You did.”
The thought had never occurred to me and it was startling. I froze and let it sink in, washing through me. I wasn’t sure if I trusted it to be real, but if it was…it felt good. It felt like finally taking back control.
“You have an idealized idea of Edwin in your head because you believe he pulled you out of addiction all those years ago,” she said.
“He did,” I said forcefully.
