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But that was only the beginning. Nothing would be the same.
My legs were jelly, and my hands shook as I cleaned up evidence of my arousal.
I had a decision to make.
Or maybe I’d already made it and was now living with the consequences.
I needed my closest friend. But he was the only person I couldn’t talk to.
Five
Tristan
S
o, sex noises. Yeah, I’d definitely deserved that one. Barry had hit the nail on the head. How could I have forgotten to mute my microphone? It wasn’t bad enough that I’d jacked off in my office to memories of being inside my student and the other inside me. No, I had to outdo myself. Half the department staff had been listening in.
But as the meeting finished and my office was plunged into silence once more, the endorphin high faded fast, and pain more excruciating than anything I’d ever experienced before set in.
I’d only had Ezra for one night, but his walking away had lit a fire in me. It made me want to be a better man. I’d used the rejection as motivation, letting it burn inside me to give me strength.
But this devastation ran too deep. The swooping in my gut when I thought about Zali and Flynn was like being in one of those planes doing crazy acrobatic loops. But now, it was as if I’d been pushed out of it, minus the parachute. The descent was quick and the giant splat at the end was catastrophic. I’d shattered my insides and imploded my heart, obliterating every cell in my body.
And it was all because I was scared.
I’d destroyed myself. Plunged myself into an abyss where the only thing around me was a vast nothingness. The emptiness was swallowing me whole.
I wish it would.
It hurt to breathe. My chest was too tight, and every inhale was like razor blades slicing me open from the inside. Closing my eyes conjured up visions of Zali’s shy smile and Flynn’s warm eyes and fingers threading through my hair. But like mist, they swirled away. The more I reached for them, the quicker they dissipated. The only image that lingered was my angel’s disappointment and Ryder’s scowl. I wanted to smooth it away as much as I’d wanted to make Flynn smile. I wanted him happy. I wanted all of them happy.
Ryder had given me an in with them. He’d helped me show Zali that I was serious about doing this podcast the right way—the fair way—only for me to back out. He was seething when I was on the phone with Ezra, immediately punting Zali from the project. Usually I didn’t give a fuck about what people thought of me. But Ryder’s opinion had mattered to me. Destroying that hurt almost as much as walking away from Zali and Flynn.
The whole situation was a complete clusterfuck of epic proportions. I’d let my dick do the talking. I’d risked my job to sleep with them—my kitten and my angel. But then my heart had gone and gotten in on the action.
I’d fallen in love with Zali and Flynn.
It was quick—ridiculously so—but so right too. We fit together like puzzle pieces both in and out of the bedroom. Or loungeroom, office, or classroom.
Now I was facing the truth of my reality. Walking away from them was like swimming in lava—impossible. I was coming apart at the seams.
Zali represented everything that I’d tried to shield myself from. I was never going back to jail. I was never serving another day of time in my life. It wasn’t an option. I couldn’t and wouldn’t bend on that. Logically, it was straightforward.
So why the fuck did every instinct scream at me to turn around, march straight back to that yacht, and scoop them up in my arms?
Why was I actually contemplating renting the little cabin in the Sunshine Coast hinterland so I could take them away?
Why did I still want to take them on a date?
I was justified in walking away. The decision was necessary. Saving myself from a world of hurt and trouble was the smart thing. Staying, only to potentially end up back in jail, wasn’t an option. It was a no-brainer.
But my heart had other ideas.
It made sticking to my resolve a whole lot harder. It required a level of willpower I wasn’t sure I possessed.
The desire to go back to them wasn’t a knee-jerk reaction. It wasn’t some woe-is-me-I-miss-them-because-I-haven’t-seen-them-in-an-hour type craving. It certainly wasn’t the need to get off.
No, it was an ache that permeated my very soul. My entire being was tearing in half, shredding me.
